Saturday, June 21, 2008
Let's Talk for a Minute About the Ill Effects of Drinking
Take it from me, drinking only leads to shenanigans.
This morning I woke up still fully dressed with my contact lenses fused to my eyeballs. I was short a driver's license, a debit card, and one cupcake.
Allow me to explain.
Last night I went out with my friend B. (I call her B because her name starts with a B, and I am trying to protect her identity. If I don't, I may never see my cupcake again.) B and I used to work together. Our jobs were the type that drove us to drink more than once a week. Now that we don't work together anymore, our drinking outings are rare. So, we thought it might be fun to revisit some of our old haunts.
We never talk about the fact that we're probably going to get wasted and make assholes of ourselves. But we both know it's probably going to happen that way. As B says, "Let's just see where the night takes us." That is our motto. And where did the night take us? Let's see, shall we?
1. Botanica- Bar, Houston and Mott. $3 well drinks during happy hour.
Personal historical significance: Location of 2 "job quitting" parties and three dates. Number of rum and Diet Cokes consumed there last night: 2. Hipster levels: Medium to Partly Indifferent. Gross bathroom index: 5/10.
2. Welcome to the Johnsons- Bar, Rivington and Essex. $2.25 well drinks during happy hour. Personal historical significance: Location of first meeting with Eric the Flaccid. (More on him in future dating posts.) Number of rum and Diet Cokes consumed there last night: 1. Hipster levels: High to Ironic. Gross bathroom index: 9/10.
3. Sugar Sweet Sunshine- Bakery, Rivington and Essex. $1.50 cupcakes. Personal historical significance: CUPCAKES. Number of cupcakes purchased: 2. Number saved for later: 1. Hipster levels: Cupcake in my belly. Gross bathroom index: Don't you understand there were cupcakes?
4. 2nd on 2nd- Karaoke bar, 2nd Avenue and 2nd Street. $1 song requests. Personal historical significance: Probably the finest rendition of "9 to 5" ever performed by yours truly and her friend B. Number of drinks consumed there last night: 3-ish. Number of cupcakes stored in B's purse so that the bouncer wouldn't have to "confiscate" it: 1. Hipster levels: Meh. Gross bathroom index: 3/10.
It was at 2nd on 2nd that I realized I was out of cash. Now, one would think that this would have stopped me from drinking further. But, oh no. Not me. I decided to just put down my debit card. They needed to hold on to my driver's license as well.
Long story short, I went home. My cupcake went to Hoboken, and my license and debit card stayed at the karaoke bar and probably brought the house down with their rendition of "My Humps."
I vaguely remember yelling at the subway because it took so long to arrive. And falling on a wet sidewalk while B stood over me and announced to everyone that I had fallen. The rest of it will probably turn up on YouTube eventually.
Later this evening, I'll be heading into the city to pick up my ID and debit card.
Levels on the jackass-o-meter: 9/10.