Saturday, June 21, 2008

Let's Talk for a Minute About the Ill Effects of Drinking














Take it from me, drinking only leads to shenanigans.

This morning I woke up still fully dressed with my contact lenses fused to my eyeballs. I was short a driver's license, a debit card, and one cupcake.

Allow me to explain.

Last night I went out with my friend B. (I call her B because her name starts with a B, and I am trying to protect her identity. If I don't, I may never see my cupcake again.) B and I used to work together. Our jobs were the type that drove us to drink more than once a week. Now that we don't work together anymore, our drinking outings are rare. So, we thought it might be fun to revisit some of our old haunts.

We never talk about the fact that we're probably going to get wasted and make assholes of ourselves. But we both know it's probably going to happen that way. As B says, "Let's just see where the night takes us." That is our motto. And where did the night take us? Let's see, shall we?

1. Botanica- Bar, Houston and Mott. $3 well drinks during happy hour.
Personal historical significance: Location of 2 "job quitting" parties and three dates. Number of rum and Diet Cokes consumed there last night: 2. Hipster levels: Medium to Partly Indifferent. Gross bathroom index: 5/10.

2. Welcome to the Johnsons- Bar, Rivington and Essex. $2.25 well drinks during happy hour. Personal historical significance: Location of first meeting with Eric the Flaccid. (More on him in future dating posts.) Number of rum and Diet Cokes consumed there last night: 1. Hipster levels: High to Ironic. Gross bathroom index: 9/10.

3. Sugar Sweet Sunshine- Bakery, Rivington and Essex. $1.50 cupcakes. Personal historical significance: CUPCAKES. Number of cupcakes purchased: 2. Number saved for later: 1. Hipster levels: Cupcake in my belly. Gross bathroom index: Don't you understand there were cupcakes?

4. 2nd on 2nd- Karaoke bar, 2nd Avenue and 2nd Street. $1 song requests. Personal historical significance: Probably the finest rendition of "9 to 5" ever performed by yours truly and her friend B. Number of drinks consumed there last night: 3-ish. Number of cupcakes stored in B's purse so that the bouncer wouldn't have to "confiscate" it: 1. Hipster levels: Meh. Gross bathroom index: 3/10.

It was at 2nd on 2nd that I realized I was out of cash. Now, one would think that this would have stopped me from drinking further. But, oh no. Not me. I decided to just put down my debit card. They needed to hold on to my driver's license as well.

Long story short, I went home. My cupcake went to Hoboken, and my license and debit card stayed at the karaoke bar and probably brought the house down with their rendition of "My Humps."

I vaguely remember yelling at the subway because it took so long to arrive. And falling on a wet sidewalk while B stood over me and announced to everyone that I had fallen. The rest of it will probably turn up on YouTube eventually.

Later this evening, I'll be heading into the city to pick up my ID and debit card.

Levels on the jackass-o-meter: 9/10.

12 comments:

MsDirector said...

You are hilarious, and that is a great story. And now I want a cupcake. DAMN YOU.

Also, you never sent me this URL, but I found it for myself anyway! Aren't you proud? I can get along in the world without you, really I can. ... Except I'll just end up back at your blog. So, you know. I kinda can't.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Well, it's not hard to find. It's posted on Jezebel and Facebook. Hahahahahahaha...

Glad you're here!

I might treat myself to a replacement cupcake when I go back to get my ID later. I really, really wanted that cupcake. B told me it got squished, so she didn't even get to enjoy it either.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, the ID and debit card were in my purse the whole time.

MsDirector said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Best. Ending. Ever.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Oh, but I didn't tell you the part where I went into the city and wandered around waiting for that place to open. And then went there and got testy with them because they couldn't find my ID. And started digging around in my purse and saw my cards. So instead of saying, "Oh! Here they are! I'm such a jackass!" I said, "Hm. Well, I'm going to go call my friend and see if she knows anything," and ran.

jody! said...

wow. all i did on friday night was ride margaret thatcher and inflate my tires.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

That's what she said.

Wait...what?

Hahahahahahahahaha...

Jenn said...

The scene of you at the bar finding your cards would be perfect for a sitcom or movie clip. And then hilarity ensued...

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Don't think I didn't consider that, Jennifer. :)

I'm totally going to store this one for later use. Hahahaha...

Mork said...

Funny, I passed an upside-down cupcake smushed into the sidewalk in Hoboken the other day...

It's like rain on your wedding day!

Mork said...

PS: Mork is badenbaden. Apparently Mork is my old blogspot identity. I should fix that.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

What a waste of a cupcake, man. I mean, if it had been a crappy Cupcake Cafe cupcake, then okay. But this was SUGAR SWEET SUNSHINE. Dammit!

What is it with Hobokeners destroying cupcakes? They must hate America.