Friday, June 27, 2008

Just Because You Can Wear It Doesn't Mean You Should

My wee sis and I used to play this game we called "Dress Up Ken." Where each of us would take a Ken doll, put him in a crazy outfit, count to five, turn around, and show the other person what Ken was wearing. Whoever got the loudest laugh won.

Ken wore every dress Barbie ever owned, toilet paper rolls, pieces of string, hair brushes, and live kittens. The shame our Ken dolls must have endured I cannot even imagine, even considering that, to begin with, Ken arrived in his box clad in a purple tank top and glittery pink floral swimming trunks.

I'm always reminded of this game when I hear someone say the words, "Well, if you've got it, flaunt it." Because although Ken had a rock-hard body, perfectly white sparkling teeth, and a sizeable plastic package, he looked completely ridiculous wearing two Ninja Turtles and a squirt gun.

So, let's talk about fashion choices.

I know that there are people out there who dress outside of what might be considered "the norm." Every time I see a person like that, I think to myself, "Go, person!" because I secretly admire some people's ability to be unafraid of scrutiny. Case and point, the love of my life, Eddie Izzard, comedian and transvestite.

But there are so many times when I see what someone is wearing and wonder just why he or she went with that particular outfit. Like the woman I saw this morning wearing tight white pants with pink underwear. Or the girl wearing hotpants on the subway the other day.

I don't know about everyone else, but my butt gets sweaty and sticks to the subway seat. And you know when you feel that happening, and someone sits down next to you, and you try to scoot over but can't because your butt is fused, and you know that if you move, your butt will make a squeaky unsticking noise and embarrass you? So you just kind of reposition your body so that your elbow isn't in the other person's lap? Butt stick is an airtight argument against hotpants on the subway. That and the fact that the subway is a dirty, dirty place. If you're wearing hotpants and sitting on the subway, your BARE butt is touching a place where homeless people nap and kids spill their ice cream.

So I get the idea behind the words, "If you've got it, flaunt it," but maybe it needs a bit of "rewording" in order to prevent embarrassment or a nasty case of Subway Crack. Rather, let's say, "If you've got it, flaunt it, but take a buddy and wrap it before you slap it." Also, live by the "Dress Up Ken" rule. If someone sees you and starts laughing, you've made a fashion error. Go home and fix it.


apple said...

Madame Mayor,

Thank you for your frank discussion of this important topic. It is especially timely considering the particularly poor sartorial taste that tends to overwhelm New York during the summer months. Case in point: on my way to meet you last Saturday, I was confronted with quite a spectacle on the public conveyance. Two young ladies boarded the train in midtown. One was wearing a red tutu (3" long) over white knee-length leggings paired with a drooping white tubetop (also approx. 3" long). Her friend was wearing a slightly more tasteful white bodysuit, but unfortunately had only accessorized her outfit with a dromedary hoof. Please share your opinion on how this pair would realize their fashion errors, if an entire train-car of people could not laugh at them out of sheer horror.

And while you are dispensing advice, I have a little problem. I have recently discovered that my man-friend of three months is responding to online personal ads and even posting pictures of his pelvis region on the internet. I am in a dither about what to do. The options I have come up with include:

a. castrating him
b. inviting him on an outing and then pushing him off the subway platform
c. pretending to be unaware of his "hobbies"

I am disinclined to use Option C and can't think of any other options. Please advise.

Anonymous said...

Just this past weekend, my sister and I spotted a young lady wearing leg warmers, high heel pumps and shorts at the mall. My sister goes, "Why is she wearing leg warmers when it's 90 degrees outside?" And I replied, "Why is she wearing leg warmer's when it's not 1985?"

And apple, I vote a combination of A and B. Invite him on an outing, castrate him, and then push him off the subway platform.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Dear Apple,

How very juicy and delicious of you to write.

Was it a one-hump dromedary? Or two?

As for your man advice, I consider myself a bit of an expert on noticing the signs of unfaithfulness. Does your man do any of the following things? If so, you may need to push him in front of the subway.

1. Show up early to parties and attempt to woo the hostess with his freshly-groomed facial hair?

2. Demonstrate a walk of "manliness" around other females?

3. Offer to loan your female friends "movies."

4. Never return things he borrows.

If any of these things apply, it may be a sign of trouble.

Best wishes,

Madam Mayor, Resident Relationship Expert and Vixen

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Excellent advice from dorothyzbornak, apple. Listen to her. She is wise.

ms. nosey parker said...

dear apple,

let me add my two pence here. in my experience, it's also problematic if said gentlemen caller changes his facial hair during the course of the party, much to the delight and amusement of the hostess.

i would also be suspicious of gentlemen callers who go to mets games without their lady friends. it's generally a ruse... and a poor cover-up at that for other suspect antics.

i hope this helps you sort out this troublesome spot in your relationship. remember, there are always more gentlemen to brush up against you on hot summer days while riding the subway. i would trust madame mayor's expert advice and seek to avoid those in hot pants though.

ms. nosey parker

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Also, who goes to a Mets/Yankees game without telling his huge Yankees fan friend in advance? What a buttface.

DZ, maybe she was on her way to a Jennifer Beals look-alike contest?

laia. said...

1. I'm sure you meant EXECUTIVE transvestite.

2. sticky-subway-seat-butt is a total pet peeve.
a. because i dont like sticking to things.
b. because other peoples sweat is probably on there already so i will probably catch all the diseases in the world.

3. i wholeheartedly agree with "just because you can wear it doesnt mean you should"

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

But of COURSE, darling. Executive transvestite! How silly of me.

nadarine said...

damn you for making me guffaw inappropriately at work, thus forcing me to curtain my inappropriate internet usage. Damn you and your Dress Up Ken.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Do what I do and just turn the computer ever so slightly so that people walking by can't see what's on it. Then, stare intently at your screen, like what you're reading is really, really thought-provoking. No one will be the wiser.