Monday, June 23, 2008

It Takes a Village...To Hate Your Children

Ma'am, I'm going to need you to go ahead and move your children back 15 feet. That's right. Thank you. Yes, behind that yellow tape.

I'm sorry, what's that? No, ma'am, this isn't a crime scene. I just know that if you don't move your children out of this quadrant immediately, I'm going to hit that one with a hammer. That's right, the one on the scooter. He's violating all sorts of traffic laws. For one thing, we're in a laundromat. Secondly, he ran over the other one's hand. Thank you for ignoring the screams of pain by the way. Oh, you were outside smoking for 20 minutes. I see. No, no, I understand. Maybe if you chain them to something before you go next time.

What's that smell? Hm...I think the little one just crapped in his diaper. Yep. He definitely did. How do I know? Oh, he's rummaging around in it like he's looking for his wallet. You won't find it there, little guy! Great, now he's inspecting his hand. Maybe he has a future as an inspector. I mean, he's already cracked his first case...

Just going to let him wear it until it's convenient for you to change him then? I see.

No, I'm not passing judgment. I know how children are. They act up and scream and throw things. That happens. I think the judgment comes when you don't do anything about it. Not that I'm an expert on this or anything. I'm not a parent. In fact, I've decided that after I'm done with laundry, I'm going home to cauterize my fallopion tubes with a curling iron. Why on earth would I need to have my own kids when I can watch yours misbehave for free? And not just today, but every time I have to wash my laundry?

You know how they say that it takes a village to raise a child? Maaaaybe you could take that a little less literally. I'm happy to tell you that your child is being a little shit, but I think you're supposed to step in after that and do something. Besides rolling your eyes. I don't think that helps. He gave you the finger last time.


Uh, it looks like the big one is trying to get into that dryer. Maybe you could...? No? Okay, suit yourself. I'll just put him on tumble dry low. There we go. No, no. The quarter's on me. See you next week.


laia. said...

kids these days with their scooters and their jibber jabber and their gameo nintendos... dont get me started. dont EVEN get me started.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Tell me about it. Trying to get your child to be more annoying? Put it on wheels.