Monday, June 9, 2008
How to Date: It's Simple, Idiot.
How to date:
1. Find a guy.
2. Agree on a place to meet him.
3. Dress nice.
5. Talk about things.
The movies make dating look so easy. Probably because when a date goes poorly, you see only five seconds of it. Julia Roberts looks bored. Kate Hudson trips over something. Date talks about shellfish allergy, eats shellfish. Head explodes. Good dates always end with a nice long walk near a scenic bridge and a kiss with a guy who doesn't try to eat our heroine's face or collect a bacteria sample from her tonsils.
Reality is not so kind. When a date goes poorly, you slowly begin to imagine what life would be like if this were your arranged marriage. You wonder what your husband would look like in 50 years and if he would still be talking about the rash he got from his laundry detergent by then. You imagine yourself squirting out his no-chinned, giant-foreheaded babies. And finally, the fantasy ends when you pull the plug on the machines keeping him alive after he slips into a coma from drinking too much imported ale and repeatedly declaring it the best he's ever had.
I'm not a person who goes on dates terribly often, maybe four in an entire year. For one thing, it takes a lot to get me to break my routine. I like getting up in the morning, planning my day around what time the game starts, getting my morning exercise, and buying vegetables. Anything outside of those scheduled events will inevitably make me tired. Secondly, I'm picky about dates. Not in a snobbish kind of "What do you mean he doesn't shit in a solid gold toilet?" kind of a way. More of a really simple, "Is this guy even interesting?" kind of way. Do we have anything at all in common, or am I just mesmerized by the length of his eyelashes? I've also never been attracted to standard, by-the-book, good-lookingness. I like guys with interesting faces. My first boyfriend looked like a bloodhound.
So, I met a dude at a party last night. He seemed nice. I drunkenly agreed to go to brunch with him today, not really remembering much about what we talked about. Just knowing that I like brunch and guys with curly hair. We'll call him Dude Guy. And here is how our date went.
Dude Guy: I'm sorry I'm late. I was at the sauna, having a steam, and ridding my body of toxins from all the alcohol I drank last night.
Me: That sounds nice. I woke up at 10 and took four Tylenol. Then I drank a liter bottle of tap water and spent the next hour peeing every four minutes.
Dude Guy: I really like to take care of myself. I'm healthy. That's why I'm going to drink a lot of cranberry juice and tell you about how delicious and healthy it is.
Me: I like mine with vodka.
Dude Guy: I'm a musician. I play two instruments. Sometimes I sit down in my basement and improv on my drums. Let me demonstrate how beautifully I play here on the table.
Me: Wow. You're sure good at hitting the table with your fingers in a rhythmic manner.
Dude Guy: Isn't this food delicious? I love to sit and eat meals that last hours and hours and hours. I like to eat slowly and enjoy my food.
Me: I eat faster because I am hungry and I skipped motherfucking breakfast.
Dude Guy: You are beautiful like a sunflower.
Me: Uh. Your hair is shiny like an oil slick.
Dude Guy: What's your favorite book?
Me: Harry Potter.
Dude Guy: Oh, I really enjoyed the first movie.
Dude Guy and I had nothing in common. We were never going to have Kids-in-the-Hall-quoting inside jokes. Or have slow, romantical sex to his jazz CDs. So I left our relationship there with the organic egg omelets and went off to play some motherfucking Wii.
In theory, dating is easy. I like men. I like meeting them at a designated location and eating and drinking things. But sometimes the dude you originally thought was awesome ends up droning on and on about jazz, while all you can think about is the hilarious Kids in the Hall sketch where Bruce McCullough calls jazz "musical barf" and knowing that if you mention that, it will only perplex him.
I pride myself in knowing when to pull the plug.
More on my dating experiences in future posts...