Thursday, June 26, 2008

How to Date: Honesty Is Important, My Dating Profile

I Find My Antics Amusing. Will You?
Woman Seeks Man to Not Dislike

A little about me: I look like the above photo sometimes. You like? There's more where that came from. I'm 5'4", but I wasn't always that tall. At one time in my life, I was only 20 inches long. Back then, my hobbies were crying, wetting myself, and sucking on my pacifier. I still do those things now, but I have an appreciation for the finer things in life as well. I like wine, beer, vodka, tequila, rum, and ice cubes. In that order.

Let's talk about my figure. But first, let me ask you, what is your favorite part of the chicken? I hope it's the thighs. Mine are robust like two hamhocks made of sex. But don't judge them on that alone. They are terribly good at their job. I rarely topple. And about the rest of me: the top part is narrow, broadens at the shoulders, comes in at the waist, back out again at the hips, and tapers off down to the ankles. No missing limbs or untrimmed toenails to speak of. Sound from pate to substratum.

My interests: The other day I bought a hamper. Then, I organized my closet. I vacuumed. I trimmed my plants. I went for a walk. I bought cucumbers. On other days, I might do something more amusing, like sew things. I read books. I watch baseball. I make snappy sex remarks about Alex Rodriguez to my cat. (She is never as amused as I am.) When I'm around other people, I hang out, I watch movies, I go to dinner, I go shopping. No surprises here. Moving on.

A bit about what I'm looking for: Someone who can answer the following questions in a way that amuses me.

1. How does the following phrase make you feel? "Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart."
A) Amused; Makes you want to eat giant pancakes and punch clowns.
B) Horny; Warts are sexy.
C) Offended; Melanoma is no laughing matter.
D) Confused; Who are you people? Where am I?
E) Other. Please explain.

2. I have four apples. I give away two. How many do I have left?
A) Why don't I get one? Don't you like me anymore?
B) 2. What do I win?
C) Math makes me itchy.
D) Apples?! Fuck it! Let's bake pie!
E) Other. Please explain.

3. I am to my ideal date as Sir Simon Milligan is to ____________.
A) Oatmeal.
B) A castrated ferret.
C) Manservant Hecubus.
D) Wayne Newton.
E) Other. Please explain.

4. You see a man's wallet lying on the ground. What do you do?
A) See if it's Gucci.
B) Take enough money out of it to pay for your sick granny's operation.
C) Think about breasts.
D) Return it to its owner or turn it into the police, and then think about breasts.
E) Other. Please explain.

5. Look at this ink blot. What do you see?

A) Two Smurfs sitting back to back on a hill.
B) An angry pit bull.
C) Nothar, the god of peanut butter. All hail Nothar!
D) Who dropped this paint on my new carpet?
E) Other. Please explain.

Please return the completed questions to me at the provided email address with a photograph of yourself Photoshopped next to your idol giving you a thumbs up. And a urine sample.

Perhaps in a few months, we can go on a date.


BakeOff said...

interesting mate. no provided email addy.

Jen said...

Bwahahaha. Awesome.

My answers:

1. D
2. D - only by "Let's bake pie" I mean "Why don't you make some pie and give it to me. If it tastes good, I may help with dishes."
3. C - because Hecubus is a nifty name.
4. B - Wait. My grannies don't need operations. I take the money to buy myself a Chloe purse. If there's that much in there, they probably don't really need it anyway.
5. B - it looks like a robot pitbull, actually.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Hahahahahahaha....cheeky. if you reeeeeally want to email me your answers. Otherwise, post them here. ;) Please, no real urine samples.

And, Jen.
1. Just take my hand and I'll lead you back to your room now. How about a nice cup of soup?
2. Bitch, my pie always tastes good.
3. Manservant Hecubus is the right answer. Right on.
4. Poor grannies. For shame, Jen. For shame.
5. For mauling robo-toddlers?

Jen said...

1. Soup sounds lovely.
2. While I believe your pie is probably most excellent, I cannot be sure until I taste it. I'm from Missouri, after all. The Show Me State. I demand proof!
3. Nothing more to add. Moving on.
4. Well, if my grannies DID need surgery I'd take the money for them. But they don't!
5. Also real toddlers, if need be.

t.c. said...

1. A
2. E - none, if they are Fujis and E and I are in the vicinity
3. C
4. D
5. E - a pelvic x-ray exam

With no access to photoshop, I cannot combine my picture to my idol's thumbs-up.

Just because you haven't yet discovered the urine sample I left at your apartment on my first visit, doesn't mean it isn't still there.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I seem to recall that we never found any Fuji apples on our apple picking adventure. Curious.

Urine sample? I thought that was motor oil.

I'm sorry. I cannot accept your answers, as I heard through the grapevine that you groom your facial hair at random parties and then glue the castoff hair on the balloon animals you make for everyone. That's just sick.

Therefore, there can be nothing between us. But you can still be my Wii friend.

peach said...

there weren't any fujis left. they had all been picked. =( that's how i got stuck in that mac tree. ahh... memories. thanks again for rescuing me.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Any time, Peachy. It's all in a day's work. Just know that I would not do the same for t.c.