Friday, June 20, 2008

How to Date: The Boys on Your Computer Part 2


Quit asking.

I mean it.


I'm not going to reconsider my stand against online dating.

So, let me clarify a few things. It wasn't the two dudes I went out with that caused me to feel this way. It wasn't that I had absolutely no chemistry with the first one and he kind of had a hunchback. And it certainly wasn't that the second one was stalkerish creepy and seemed obsessed with talking about pet demise. It was the way the whole situation made me feel. Me, specifically.

I am totally aware that there are people who have made a go of this online dating thing. I was in a wedding last year that was a result of two people meeting online. (As one of said two people reminded me this morning via Facebook.) That was the right thing for them. But it's not for me.

1. If you are doing the online dating, you are doing one specific thing: looking. Whether you're looking for a quick one in the back of a cab or one of those commitment thingys. I don't want to look. I just want to live my life and meet people and let things happen. If I meet a dude during the normal course of my day, great. If not, whatever. I realized something pretty important at the end of my last relationship: I like being single. I get so much work done, and I don't have to worry about the Wandering Penis Disease that seems to plague my boyfriends.

2. Physical attraction is important. Did any cavewoman ever gauge the attractiveness of a caveman on his ability to do witty cave paintings? No. She saw his hairy ass out spearing a buffalo. And it didn't make her shallow or thoughtless. If I meet someone in person, I know immediately if there's something there. A month of trading hilarious remarks does not attraction make.

3. I have to be in the mood to date. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood. My online dating profile is still saying, "Hi! Look over here!" while I'm in a "Fuck off" sort of mood.

4. It costs money. I'm cheap. End of story.

So, in short, I don't wish to improve upon the quantity of dates I go on. And that's what online dating does. It gets you out there on more dates more often. I don't want that. If I go on one date once in a while with someone I meet in person, I'm satisfied with that. If it goes well, awesome. If not, there will be another date at some point. I'm not looking for my other half. I'm already a whole. Another whole to go with the one I have would be nice.

That's what she said.


t.c. said...

Is Derek Jeter the modern equivalent of your caveman spear thrower?

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

No. As I've explained in the past, Derek Jeter is just pretty to look at. I would not let my knickers down for him. He is unclean.

Bobby Abreu is my caveman spear thrower. He has dimples.

t.c. said...

So does this guy.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Yeah, and I'd do him. What's your point?


jody! said...

a few points:
1. i enjoyed the gentleman caller in today's photo. three guesses why.

2. it's extremely crucial to see how a man handles his spear in person. and how his hairy ass looks while doing it.

3. i could get you tom's email address if you want it... no for real, i could. oh. no wait. never mind. then we'd be back to online banter and flirting. okay. hmm. i'll see if i can get him to come to astoria to properly woo you.

4. that's what she said.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

1. Because it's Sir Laurence Olivier? And his chops?

2. Indeed. It's not the length or the width of the spear. It's how he throws it.

3. Okay, just don't tell my mom. She loves Selleck's Magnum.

4. That's what she said.

jody! said...

i am suddenly reminded of a jeff foxworthy bit.

"now ladies, men appreciate the whole 'it's not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean that matters to us' line. we really do. but even i know it takes a long time to get to england in a row boat."

pamalama said...

OMG! haha!

1. Jeter and Abreu have NOTHING on TOM SELLEK. NOTHING! he is pure beautiful awesomeness and the most beautiful man with a rug on his chest i have ever laid eyes on. thats what i said.

2. thank you tc for the pic. i will cherish that. did any of you notice that the name of that page is "tom selleck, wet". mmm

3. yeah, i was all romancy last night when i wrote that bit with typos. FCK online dating. who needs it? i am all for the chemistry of real life encounters. cant beat it. thats what she said.

4. i agree with Jeff Foxworthy, but lets not forget that loose lips sink ships! so be careful before you put your money where your mouth is. do you know where that ship has been? also, hello, titanic, you are a ship that is too big and fast for your own good! when you went down, you took a whole bunch of seamen with you.

it was just too easy.

that is also something she said.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Oh, there's no comparison. Tom Selleck is a manly, manly man. He can man all over me any time he wants. Man.

Tom Selleck, would you like some man-aise with that man-wich? What's your favorite movie, The Man-churian Candidate?

If Tom Selleck won an Oscar, would they put chest hair on it? I wonder.

Jeff Foxworthy is so wise.