Friday, May 30, 2008

What I Found at the Flea Market: Part 1

Before I left for my recent trip to Kansas, I was given a secret mission to find the cheesiest, gaudiest, crappiest crap thing at the flea market and bring it back as a gift. Finding such a thing was not a problem. Narrowing down the field of crap was. There is no shortage of crocheted tissue box covers, beer signs, or nude action figures with shaved heads at flea markets in Kansas. Do you like decorative samuri sword sets? Come to Kansas! Seashells glued to fake flowers and arranged in a vase made of doll heads? Kansas. Here is what we found in our search for crappy, crappy crap...

This is a rare sighting of a non-migratory species of lawn flamingo. Behind the privacy screen so that he can easily get into costume.

Is it a monkey? Is it a baby? Is it a baby dressed as a monkey? Or is it something that will come to life after midnight and eat your children?

I would have actually paid money for this sign, right there among the kitchen supplies. The flea market equivalent of, "Hey, bitch. Get on out to the kitchen and fix me somethin' to eat."

Don't worry, guys. There was a sign for you too.

Probably the best thing I've ever seen. A basket made of beads. Filled with flowers made of beads. The best part, however? The price tag: $16.50.

For the literary types, here is a book of poetry. Is it Langston Hughes? Emily Dickinson? Nope! It's John Boy.

I have no words for this except, "Oh, my god. Someone framed their Procol Harum 45 of "A Whiter Shade of Pale." Hopefully it will stay in quarantine forever.

Sheriff Rooster. He's the law 'round these here parts. I spent an hour looking around for a lawless turkey dressed as a gunfighter, so that there could be a face off.

But all we could find were some chef pigs offering to sacrifice themselves so that there could be sausage in the world. As soon as they get back from the beach.

Sausage. And more...

And more crap from me in my next post.


The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Special thanks to Erika and Katie who helped me in my search for crap.

jody! said...

it's like you were on a mission from god! and i do hope i got something out of the 25 cent tool bin... that's such a steal.

i wonder if the monkey monster plays with marionette dolls during the witching hour? together, they delight in eating naughty children...

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Nope. It's not tools. Are tools crappy? I think not.

Let me tell you that I would not want to be alone in the flea market after dark to find out what happens when the dolls are left alone. I've read far too much Stephen King to know that that is never a good idea.