Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sometimes It's Fun to Do Evil Things and Then Giggle About It Secretly

Just now, I used the last of the toilet paper in our work bathroom. Did I bother to replace the empty roll? Heck, no! That would be nice of me. And I just don't feel nice today.

This is not normal behavior for me. Normally, I'd be all over that empty toilet paper roll like Martha Stewart on a spotty napkin at a dinner party. But for some reason, I thought it was funny to imagine the next person looking at the empty roll in exasperation and then grappling around frantically for the new roll sitting on the back of the toilet. Pants down around their ankles. And a brief flash of fear in their eyes, wondering what on earth they'll do if all the paper is gone.

I go through evil phases sometimes. I think it's because normally I'm so responsible for things. I mail the rent checks on time every month, I lift the top of the stove to clean up spills instead of just sponging up around the burners, I refill the soap dispenser, rather than just adding water to it. All that responsibility weighs a person down after a while. So, while some people might see my disregard of the empty toilet paper roll as an act of laziness, it's actually a deliberate work of wickedness. Were I a Bond villain, this would be my pilfered nuclear warhead.

In addition to my frequent acts of slight terrorism, I have extremely wicked thoughts sometimes. The other day, on an airplane, I thought how much I would like someone who invented the crying baby muzzle. As cruel and unnecessary as an invention that completely evaporates the water supply. And yet, just the thought of it makes me cackle.

So the way I see it, as long as there is actually a roll of toilet-paper-in-waiting and I don't leave anyone stranded, I should be allowed to practice my works of nefariousness. But if I begin to construct a vocano lair or start crocheting baby muzzles, someone may want to stop me.

If you can...


The Minister said...

I would give you a MacArthur Grant to develop that baby muzzle.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Are you trying to outrank me, Minister?

laia. said...


Jen said...

How on earth can you say a baby muzzle is unnecessary? Cruel, perhaps, but NOT unnecessary.