Friday, May 16, 2008

As I Gear Up for the AIDS Walk, I Think a Lot. Here is What I Think.

I bought some shoes. They look like this.

I bought them because I hate AIDS. Do you hate AIDS? Maybe I hate AIDS more than you do. I bought new shoes. What did you buy? Nothing, I bet.

This is the second time I bought new shoes in two months. The first pair I bought gave me a big blister where I had a hole in my sock. It looked like this: O. Only big. And full of pus. Why didn't I just buy new socks, you ask? Because I spent all my money on the shoes.

Those shoes were purple and silver. I thought they were pretty. Pretty shoes are evil. My new shoes are ugly. They are lime green and gray. Just looking at them makes me thirsty for Gatorade and performance enhancing drugs. If I do performance enhancing drugs, maybe I can do the AIDS Walk in under 15 minutes.

If you are a woman and do performance enhancing drugs, you will grow a mustache. It's true. I will grow mine really long so that I look like an old-timey villain. Then, I will laugh like this: cackle cackle cackle.

They say that you should eat lots of carbohydrates before you exercise for an extended period of time. I'm going to eat 6.5 doughnuts. That's one for every mile I have to walk.

Some people spell doughnuts like this: donuts. Those people don't own dictionaries. I think it's because dictionaries are big and take up lots of shelf space. Kind of like blister-making shoes that you don't plan to wear again.

If you look up "shoe" in the dictionary, you will see that it is "an outer covering for the human foot typically having a thick or stiff sole with an attached heel and an upper part of lighter material (as leather)." If you look up "evil," you will see this.

Maybe there should be an Uncomfortable Shoe Walk to raise money to stamp out foot blisters. Wouldn't that be ironic?


laia. said...

i spell doughnuts, doohneeutz. because i have a fancy unidentifiable european accent.
dictionaries are for jerks and lesbians!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I'm telling the entire lesbian community that you said that.

Trixie said...

My spin shoes are grey and neon yellow and so ugly I am embarrassed to wear them in public.