Saturday, February 2, 2008
To Whom This May Concern,
It's been 240 days since the zombie attack that virtually destroyed the charming hamlet of Bethville. And I, the mayor of said charming hamlet, am now forced to live in a very damp tent in an undisclosed location, spending my days filing paperwork and polishing the mayoral silverware. I have found more of the lost correspondence between myself and the Mayor of Benville. Here it is for your enjoyment.
Dearest Mayor of Benville,
Thank you ever so much for the delectable blueberry trifle that you had sent to my office yesterday. And thank you as well for the flowers, congratulating me on my critically-acclaimed performance as Blanche Dubois in the Bethville Community Playhouse production of A Streetcar Named Desire. How very thoughtful of you! I must tell you that you are very close to earning my forgiveness for missing the Bethville Flower Sniffing and Tea that took place last weekend in the Bethville Gardens.
I'm sure that right before you received this bit of correspondence, you were sitting in your tiny, paneled, circa 1970s office, wondering if I was ever going to thank you for your gifts. I hope that this letter eases your mind. I imagine you were also sitting in your orange shag-carpeted, but still very charming, office wondering when my next dramatic performance would take place. Your wait is over, Mr. Mayor! This Saturday afternoon, I will be starring as The Unsinkable Molly Brown in the Titanic musical review DOWN WITH THE SHIP. However, I have one request, Mr. Mayor. During rehearsals for DOWN WITH THE SHIP, the tank holding the elecric eels ruptured, and the Bethville Community Playhouse is now under twelve feet of water. Would you be a dear and let us perform our musical at the Benville Theater? I don't mind that it is smaller and much less glamorous than the Bethville Community Playhouse. I'm sure it will do if you make some slight renovations before this weekend arrives.
Thank you in advance for your generosity, Mr. Mayor. I will, in kind, send you a donation of encyclopedias for the Benville Library to show my gratitude. In the words of Blanche Dubois, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." And although you are not a stranger, this still applies since I hate you.
The Tony Winning and Utterly Fabulous Mayor of Bethville
My dear confused Mayor,
The day has come at last that I break the news to you. Even though your esteemed mayorness is far beyond anything I can comprehend, your eyesight flat out sucks. I know you believe down to the core of your being that you played Blanche Dubois from Streetcar Named Desire, when all you really did was play a psychotic extra in the Broadway rendition of One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest.
Please my dear Mayor, break the bottoms off of your fine Incan Memorial vases that are holding your office flowers and look through them at the playbill again. Not only will you see the title mentions above, buy you'll find the cover actually shows you in the background behind the main actors acting crazy and believing you are Blanche Dubois. You might also finally notice that your fine Incan Memorial vases were used Coke bottles with the word "INKUN" drawn on them with crayon.
Also I might add that you rethink your performance in what you call DOWN WITH THE SHIP. If you use the Coke bottle bottoms again you'll realize it's actually a very distasteful performance of GOING DOWN ON MY DOG SKIP that was going to open tonight in our mutual rival theater of Blayneville. Just a recommendation.
The Mayor of Benville