Monday, January 14, 2008

Sad People Need Cakes Too

Think about it. If you enter a room and there is cake, people are generally happy. Isn't that somewhat magical? You turn a year older, you get cake. Have a baby, you get cake. Get married? Cake.

Cake is happiness.

So why don't we bake funeral cakes? I suspect that a nice funeral cake would make everyone a lot less sad about the passing of Uncle Pete.

What about divorce cakes?
"I'm sorry your boyfriend cheated on you" cakes?
"So, you lost your job" cakes?

This is why people get depressed. They don't get cake when something bad happens to them. Just flowers if you're lucky, and you can't eat flowers.

That said, I've decided to start the Sad Cakes Rehabilitation Program. With just a few cents a day, some milk, eggs, and flour, you can bake a cake for a sad friend. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate. Buy a mix. Buy the frosting. Here is a little recipe to get you started.

Heartbreak Cake

You will need:
Devil's Food cake mix
Chocolate frosting
cooking oil
heart-shaped cake pan
cherry pie filling
a big, scary butcher knife or meat cleaver (your choice)

Prepare the cake mix according to the directions on the back of the box. Pour into greased heart-shaped cake pan and bake until toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean. (You don't want to give your sad friend a half-baked cake. It will make him or her further depressed, and you don't want that, now do you? Do you?) Let cake cool throughly and then flip over onto a sheet of aluminum foil. You'll need to put this half of the cake into the freezer for a while because it will make it easier to decorate. Now, at this point, you may or may not realize that you've used up all your cake batter baking the first layer of the cake. You may mutter mean things about me under your breath as you walk back to the grocery store to buy another mix. I hope that makes you feel better. Or you may have used the correct size of heart-shaped pan to begin with and still have exactly half of your batter. If that's the case, pour the other half of the mix into the pan and bake until blah, blah, know this.

NOW! After you've baked the second layer and have put it into the freezer for a decent amount of time, take both layers out and put them on the counter in front of you. One of them will serve as the bottom layer. And in order to stack the cakes properly, you'll need to do a bit of cutting. I use a bread knife. Hack away at the top of the bottom layer until it is generally flat. Pour 1 cup of cherry pie filling over it, spread evenly, and top with other layer. Now frost the whole thing with the chocolate frosting. (It helps to dip your frosting knife in warm water to keep the surface of the frosting smooth.) Then, very, very carefully stab the cake ruthlessly with the large, scary knife or meat cleaver. If done correctly, your cake will appear to bleed. Now carefully deliver this to your heartbroken friend and stand in her doorway until she agrees to give you a slice of it. Then, rave over its deliciousness until your friend compliments you and thanks you for your thoughtfulness. Go home, eat the scraps you cut off the bottom layer of the cake. Wash down with booze.


The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

More on cake:

BakeOff said...

are you sad mate

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Not anymore. But I was for about 8 months during which time I could have used one of those "Sorry Your Boyfriend Cheated on You" cakes. Which is why I didn't blog for a long time. You know, depression is a fun-killer.

BakeOff said...

ouch i reckon that fellow is gone. you best wash down that cake with a few pints of ale

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Oh, he reads my blog and makes what he thinks are hilarious comments, which I just delete.

You win some, you lose some. You kick some in the nuts. You bake yourself a pity cake. You move on.

And yes to the ale. Lots of it.

t.c. said...

Glad to have you back, dear.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Thanks, peanut.

Jen said...

This cake sounds delicious and emolicious. Want!