Sunday, January 27, 2008
Found! The Lost Letters of Bethville and Benville
To Whom It May Concern:
It is I, the Mayor of Bethville, writing you from the Bethville Refugee Camp and Houseplant Daycare Center. Unfortunately, I cannot disclose my exact location as it seems I am wanted. Not wanted like one might want a submarine for their own personal use or an automatically self-refilling jar of peanut butter. But wanted like a common criminal. According to the reward posters that Ludwig Von Butterick has seen fit to nail to every tree in what was formerly Bethville County, I stole several ketchup packets from the Von Butterick Casino Hotel and Teriaki Restaurant kitchens. Which is ludicrous because the only use I see fit for ketchup is squirting it into the eyes of intruders who invade the Bethville Mayoral mansion late at night. And since there is now a large casino and teriaki restaurant where the mansion used to stand, I haven't needed ketchup for quite some time. So it seems I've been framed.
While I've been in hiding, however, I've been hard at work cataloging my mayoral correspondence from the past years. I'm attaching a few long lost letters to this, my latest missive, with the hope that Bethville will rise again someday very soon.
Dear Mr. Mayor,
You may have noticed that I recently ceased to communicate with you for the span of over 7 days. This technique is what we mayors call "giving the silent treatment." I hope that this technique has throroughly served its purpose, you have learned your lesson, and are now ready to carry on a discussion in a more mature fashion.
I, the highly-esteemed and quite titilating mayor of Bethville, would like to make a formal announcement. On March 15, at precisely 7:31 PM, I will be entering the Ms. Civil Servant Beauty and Talent Contest, and I would like your support in this venture. When I say "support," I am, of course, referring to the $15,000 entry fee which needs to be paid in full on or before March 7. This amount can be paid in the form of a check made out to me personally or my office, The Office of the Esteemed Mayor of Bethville. If I win the aforementioned contest, the amount of the entry fee will be returned to you in full. If I don't win, which is entirely unlikely since I am (as mentioned above) highly-esteemed and titilating, I will send you $15,000 worth of recycleable items, including milk jugs, soda cans, and newspapers.
As the contest will also include a talent competition, I feel it is my duty to inform you that I will need to borrow your twirling baton as soon as possible. If you are unable to loan me your baton by March 12, I will be forced to utilize my other talent, which is amateur dentistry. In that case, I will need to borrow your hand drill and some nitrous oxide.
The Future Winner of the Ms. Civil Servant Beauty and Talent Contest and Esteemed Mayor of Bethville
My dear Ms. Mayor,
I understand your proposal and do agree with your decision to dish out the silent treatment on your's truly. However, the fact that you ceased to do so makes me quite disturbed. Here I thought you had passed on, so I was enjoying a nice piece of "Mayor of Bethville has finally kicked the bucket" cake when I received your infuriating request for a $15,000 entry fee!
Might I again request that you stick it in your ticket...(ticket to WHOREVILLE that is).
Forgive me for my use of absolutely appropriate language. I ate a lot of sugar.
The Most Absolutively Fabulous and $15,000 richer than the mayor of bethville (lowercase on PURPOSE) Ruler and Mayor of All of Benville
Dear Mister Mayor,
Notice that I am still referring to you as "Mister" Mayor despite your rumored recent sex change operation. Let me just take a moment to congratulate you on your new-found identity! Now, if only you are able to rid yourself of that pesky back hair you will be a complete woman.
The reason for my very timely and grammatically-correct letter is to inform you of a very unfortunate situation. Yesterday, while out for a ride in my oversized perambulator (I am trying to relive my babyhood), I unfortunately ran over your pet Guinea pig. While this was not a deliberate act of murder, I must admit that I was unable to swerve due to being taught early on in my driving training, that swerving to avoid an animal can be detrimental to the driver. Therefore, I did not swerve and crushed your adorable, vermin-ridden Guinea pig. I apologize profusely.
The Beautiful, Talented and Winning Mayor of Bethville