Wednesday, October 3, 2007

To the Nefarious Ludwig Von Butterick


Dear Mr. Club President and Scrapbooking Meanyhead,

Allow me to respond to your nefarious laugh with contemptuous and defiant harrumph…[harrumph!].

How very low of you, dear president, to lash out at the defenseless and foul-smelling town of Bethville. I do not use the description “foul-smelling” in order to belittle the once thriving civilization. It just seems logical that it would have developed a horrible stench what with the hundreds of dead, rotting zombies laying everywhere. Thank goodness the wind has been from the south for the last two months. I’d much rather deal with the aroma of Momburg’s Annual Hemp Burning and Canned Food Drive than the stink of the dead undead. Everyone prefers the munchies to unceasing dry heaves.

There seems to be a bit of confusion around our Benville storage facility, Mr. President. We have no sticker stockpile that I know of. Is it possible you’re referring to our large array of skratchensnifstikars? We do have quite a few sitting around in our secret storage facility. They are very rare indeed, but are most undesirable to have around.

Skratchensnifstikars are rare, cultured cheese curds that were used as projectiles during the invasion of Floydopolis by German dairy farmers in the late 1970s. They are derived from Skratchensnifstik cheese, a hardened olive green variation of gouda. They were originally created by accident in the late 1930s, while the mad Nazi revolutionary scientist and dairy farm enthusiast Vincent Von Lederhosen was trying to make a type of ammunition that the soldiers could also eat if stranded behind enemy lines. Needless to say, Dr. Von Lederhosen was written off as a psycho for not including some type of laxative into the mix. Several test subjects were lost due to extreme constipation.

By all means Mr. Von Butterick, feel free to take some of our scratchensnifstikars off our hands. We would be most grateful. Might I suggest however, that if you should choose to eat them they be mixed with some sort of prune juice or bad meat. I’d hate to see the very criminal mind that overcame Bethville to fall to a cheese curd. We are quite enjoying the planning of our surprise attack on your teriyaki restaurant, and a dramatic final battle wouldn’t have as much oomph if the main culprit wasn’t there to get hit upside the head with frozen halibut…….drat, I’ve said too much.

As for your clever attempt at blackmail, please remember that your mother is still employed at the Benville Knitting Emporium and would be most upset if she heard that her precious Viggie were involved in such treacherous acts.

Regards,

The Extremely Hungry and Historically Inclined (at least about food)

Mayor of Benville