Friday, September 7, 2007
Literary Lameness: Stephenie Meyers Makes Vampires Suck More
I know that not everyone in the world can be a fan of Stephenie Meyers' vampire series. So for those of you who have thus far missed out, here is a brief and crappy synopsis. Followed by the feature presentation.
Brief and crappy synopsis:
Bella moves to Oregon to live with her father, a cop who is completely inept. She goes to school and meets Edward, who happens to be a vampire. Interestingly enough, Edward has an entire family of vampires. He is over 100 years old. I guess he likes to go to school during the day to keep up appearances. Edward and Bella fall in love, but Edward has to get used to the smell of Bella's blood which is apparently crack to all vampires. Somewhere along the way, a vampire named James decides that he wants to get Bella's blood all to himself. Edward kills him. And now all the other vampires in the entire world are hell-bent on revenge. And let me not forget that Bella has another friend, Jacob, who is a werewolf. Vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies. So if Edward and Bella marry, which they must do to be able to fornicate (as much as vampires can), Jacob will not be happy. Jacob is enormous. I expect him to be at least 8'11" by the beginning of the next book. And he always feels feverish.
It's weird. Go with it.
A PLAY BASED ON THE FOURTH BOOK IN THE VAMPIRE TRILOGY BY STEPHENIE MEYERS
[Scene: Edward and Bella are finally getting married….in a few days. For now, they are sitting around Charlie’s house having a very dull conversation.]
Edward: Bella, I love you. My heart…it aches for you every second that you are here and when you are away from me. So, it aches all the time. Sort of like a tooth might ache if it were to decay. Which my love will never do.
Bella: Thanks, Edward. You’re nice. I can’t wait until we get married and you turn me into a vampire like you. That will be fun.
Edward: I long for that day as well, my darling! My love! My delicate flower!
Bella: Do you smell something burning?
Charlie: [enters stage left] Yeah….sorry about that. It seems I’ve burned the kitchen down. I was just boiling some lettuce and POOF! the stove exploded.
Bella: Oh, Charlie. When will you ever learn?
Alice: [enters] I foresaw a stove exploding in a vision. I am here to make sure that Bella is well protected since James has an evil twin brother out there running around hell-bent on revenge again. Oh no! I’ve said too much.
Edward: Never mind, Alice. Bella wasn’t paying attention. She is far too busy thinking about cupcakes and fairy dust to fear for her life. Besides, you and I both know that nothing seriously dangerous will happen until 15 chapters from now. So we can both relax and go hunt pumas in the woods.
Alice: We’ll have to leave someone in charge of Bella’s safety just the same. How about Emmett?
Jacob: [enters] What about me? That’s right, Edward, Alice, Charlie, and Bella. I am back. Much taller, still feverish, and so muscular now that I find it very difficult to put on any clothes at all, lest my girth rip right through them.
Bella: Jacob! You’re back! Tell us more stories about the Quileute Tribe. They are really, really fascinating.
Charlie: Yes, please tell us some stories about people we don’t give a crap about for the next 15 pages. And while you’re doing it, hold these Pop Tarts in your hands. Our toaster was lost in a recent explosion. Dash it if I still can’t cook this many books into the series!
Edward: I take my leave of you now, my darling Bella. Keep my heart safe! It is in your possession now, meaning that it belongs to you. I don’t need it anyway, as blood doesn’t travel through my body providing oxygen to my cells and removing the carbon dioxide.
Bella: That’s so beautiful, Edward. I’ll be here reclining on Jacob’s extremely ripped and hairy chest.
Edward: Farewell, my love!
Jacob: And then my great-grandfather Black huffed and he puffed, and he….
Jerry, Evil Twin Brother of James [bursts into room]: Ha ha ha! I am an evil vampire, hell-bent on revenge. I am so evil that I have a very diabolical mustache. You are mine now, Bella Swan. I vant to suck your blooood!
Bella: That old line? Puh-lease. Vampires are soooo not like that. Actually, they are very passionate creatures who like to drive really fast cars, buy me things, and throw me lots and lots of parties.
Charlie: What? I dozed off. It seems I’m oblivious to any form of danger. All I do is eat all day and scold Bella.
Jacob: I am a werewolf, your sworn enemy, blood-sucker! I will now rip you limb from limb.
Charlie: Who’s hungry? I could go for a pizza right now, Bella, if you aren’t going to bother to cook me anything tonight. Hey, look! I have a gun. And there are bullets in it!
Jerry, Evil Twin Brother of James: Curses! A werewolf! I shall now slink away into the shadows to await a better chance for revenge.
[It is Edward and Bella’s wedding night. They are in Edward’s fancy gold-plated bedroom.]
Edward: I shall now turn you into a vampire. In a few minutes anyway. And then you can finally see if I have any actual functioning sex organs. But first, I am going to kiss you a lot in a very chaste way and tell you that I love you in a thousand different ways.
Bella: That is super nice of you, Edward.
Charlie: I’ll just be over here in the corner. Actually, would you two mind if I ordered some Chinese food? I’m kind of hungry. And Bella didn’t get a chance to make me a pot roast to tide me over for the rest of my life.
Bella: I’m scared, Edward. How will you turn me into a vampire? Will you drink my blood and then make me drink yours, like they did in Interview With the Vampire? Or will you drain all the blood from my body, bury me, and wait for me to rise again, like in Dracula?
Edward: Gross! No! All you have to do is…
Alice [bursts into the room]: Edward! Something very, very wicked is coming this way! We must flee!
Bella: What are we running from?
Edward: A great hunter of vampires. One who is known only as Buffy!
Narrator: Long story short, they were all slain, thus ending the least-interesting vampire story of all time.