Friday, July 13, 2007
To the Exalted Mayor of Bethville
To the Mayor of Bethville:
I am finally breaking my silence, because I have just seen the op-ed piece in the Bryan-BCL Daily Times Post Herald News Report informing readers of the recent terrible tragedy in Bethville. I felt it my duty as a public official to write on behalf of my constituents. Though, after this letter, I will once again refuse to acknowledge any attempts at contact by the Bethville mayoral office. While the citizens of Erikaford have, for the most part, ceased to be angry about the Mango-Bidet Incident, my chief of staff is adamant that we continue to refrain from engaging in any relations with your administration. And though she was far more offended by the entire incident than I was, I still give my full support to our bantam, coke, sprite, and unicorn embargo. I also insist that you remember you are not welcome in Erikaford. If you show up uninvited to our next county fair, which happens to be the Annual Pantsing and Bearbaiting Choral Night, not even another thirty diplomatic envoys from Tansalton will pardon you. I hope you will carefully remember what happened the last time you tried to sneak into one of our festivals behind a large picket sign that rather unconvincingly read, “Coke—it’s bad for you.” Our Municipal Litter Catalogers are still finding pieces of your mayoral limousine all over town. Tempers run high here. That being said, my letter is attached forthwith:
Erikaford is very sorry to hear that your town has been besieged by vultures, which have—-to put it delicately—-soiled the Bethville Lazy-Eye Victims Memorial and Waterslide Park and taken to roosting in your city hall offices.
(Some free practical advice from myself: Encouraging personal hygiene amongst your citizens, so that they don’t smell like rotten garbage, would have been a better use of your sanitation budget than buying that automatic bubblegum-scented street cleaning machine.)
With grudging sincerity,
The Mayor of Erikaford
"There is not much you can do to stop me."
-Erik Mays, founder of Erikaford