Thursday, June 7, 2007
To the Honorable Mayor of Benville
Dearest Mayor of Benville,
I am currently writing this letter from the safety of the titanium-lined attack shelter under the village of Bethville. Incidentally, the time locks engaged, and it seems I am trapped here for the duration of the zombie attack. Yes, you read correctly. We are experiencing a zombie attack here in usually-pleasant and glamorous Bethville.
It all started yesterday afternoon during the Bethville Dill Pickling and Boris Karloff Impersonating Showdown. One of the competing Boris Karloff impersonators took a wrong turn on the way to his dressing room and fell headfirst into a vat of pickling brine. There he remained until he was fished out many hours later by a very unlucky competition pickler. At first the Bethville residents found it amusing that he kept chasing them and screaming "BRAINS!" But as soon as he actually caught someone, their amusement turned to concern. Luckily, at the time, I was enjoying some quiet time in the mayoral lavatory and reading room when I heard the screams of concern. I quickly packed some rations and things to amuse me through the zombie attack and dashed to the mayoral escape pod. Which brings us to the present time. I am delivering this letter to you via my confidante and former mayoral butter churner, Matt Damon, as I felt he would be safe from attacks of this nature. I ask that you please send more things to amuse me until the attack ends, as I am almost finished with my current book of crossword puzzles.
That said, Mr. Mayor, I hope this letter finds you well. And I hope it catches you before you depart for the Bethville Petting Zoo and Acupunture Seminar, which was to take place this afternoon in Bethville Square. Unfortunately, I've been forced to cancel this event as the petting zoo animals are currently serving as my mayoral rations. I should be okay until the roasted chinchilla runs out, but if you have any ideas on how to destroy 1,500 zombies before that time, please let me know.
The Zombie-Besieged Mayor of Bethville