Wednesday, May 9, 2007
To the Honorable Mayor of Benville
Dear Sizeist-Discriminating Mayor of Benville,
I feel it is my duty to shake a very haughty and well-manicured finger in your direction. I find it quite offensive, while not being a corpulent or unshaven woman myself, that you would prevent the Society of Corpulent, Anti-Shaving Women from having their 2nd annual demonstration and gala in Benville. I know that last year they caused some ruckus. The Benville Hot Springs overflowed from too many oversized occupants and flooded Benville Cemetery. But that did work in your favor, as you turned it into a most properous rice paddy. And later in the year during the Autumn Hairy Corpulent Women Apple Picking and Ladder Repair Seminar, the women got very intoxicated on apple brandy and ransacked the mayoral offices. But they wrote you a very nice letter of apology, and I believe it was quite heartfelt. Therefore, I feel you are being unjustly cruel and sizeist toward these lovely, however ungroomed and portly, women. They are very courageous to take a stand against leg and armpit hair upkeep and dieting.
With that said, I'm terribly sorry to hear that the attempts on your life have continued. Might I suggest that you stop eating anything from the Benville Bakery? Last week I was driving through Benville in the mayoral chariot, when I stopped in at Benville Bakery to pick up a chocolate cream-filled cupcake. To my surprise there was a large parakeet cage buried in it. Naturally, I demanded to speak to the manager, and he was most rude! He refused to exchange the cupcake as I had already licked off all the frosting.
As for the morgue space, I'm afraid that the Bethville Morgue is also overloaded at this time. Unfortunately, a cross-country bus tour of centenarians passed through Bethville during the Bran Muffin Bake-Off and Glenn Miller Orchestra Dance Competition. It was all too much for them, I'm afraid.
I am quite disturbed to hear that Matt Damon is causing such havoc. When I hired him several weeks ago to churn butter at the Bethville Dairy, I had no idea that he was a criminal. I have to say that he was also terrible at churning butter. He kept stopping to pose for the paparazzi, and my butter never got churned.
I am enclosing a large easel and some magic markers just in case your mayoral typewriter is stolen again.
Do take care, Mr. Mayor.
The Mayor of Bethville, Advocate of Corpulent and Hairy Women's Rights and One Who is Forced to Eat her Toast Unbuttered