Wednesday, May 9, 2007

To the Exalted Mayor of Bethville


My Dearest Mayor of Bethville,

How nice it is to finally be writing to you again. Please forgive my absence. I’m afraid the attempts on my life are far from over, and the stakes are higher than ever before. It seems “chuck” has exhausted every source of gardening utensils in the tri-county area, and has resorted to stealing my office supplies to use as a substitute. Their methods have not changed however; still baking them into various pastries in the hopes that I might overlook the blatantly obvious obtrusions caused by a handle, blade, power cord or 4-cycle engine and swallow one whole. A few weeks ago, they rudely stole my typewriter and placed it in a Danish. My body-doubles have been working around the clock to find it again so that I might reply to your letters.

That reminds me, may I borrow some of your morgue space? It seems ours is quite overstocked.

Now down to business:

I understand body-double #2 was kind enough to read through my mail and send out replies. Please disregard Mr. Damon’s letter. He has been identified as a body-double-double-agent working undercover in my mayoral employ. I originally assigned body-double #32 the task of responding to my mail. He works slow, doesn’t spell all that well and prefers to write in what he calls “poopie letters”, but he has a heart of gold and a good work ethic so I figured what the heck. While composing a condolence letter to the Clooney family, however, Mr. Damon snuck up behind body-double #32 and overwhelmed him with an overdose of common sense. Body-double #32’s feeble mind couldn’t handle the brain overload of simple mathematics, silverware etiquette and the truth about Scientology, so he unfortunately met his demise. Mr. Cruise will be missed. Mr. Damon then resumed the task in hopes of isolating Benville from all outside communication.

In my absence, I have been in deep investigation of the illustrious “chuck”, identifying several moles in the Benville organization that are fueling the attempts on my life. Mr. Damon has been under close surveillance for some time, and I fear he has finally caught our scent. Just before evading my loyal body-double pursuit brigade, he stole my typewriter and delivered it to chuck’s garden utensil contaminated pastry bakers, cutting off the only source of outside communication in Benville. (Yes I agree, it is probably time to discuss improvements to Benville’s communication system, but that is neither here nor there. The issue here is Mr. Damon.) He then proceeded to steal one of the Benville mayoral mopeds and journeyed east to the mysterious community of Tansalton, a city we’ve suspected is the originator of “chuck” for quite some time. My sources say he was last seen at the Tenth Annual Tansalton Volunteer Rescue Workers Benefit and Celebrity Rug Toss and was addressed there as a guest of high esteem. We will keep tabs on the suspicious city of Tansalton, and will inform you of any foul play.

On a lighter note, you will be glad to here that the Benville water tower has been drained of its strawberry daiquiri contents and filled with water once again. You were right, my dear mayor, that was a very bad idea. Everything was fine and good until the shuttle bus from the 2nd Annual Corpulent Women’s Anti-Shaving Demonstration stopped by. They figured they could get a quick rinsing before continuing on to the Bethville Kitten Grooming and Banana Cream Pie Jubilee. A horrifying sight, my dear mayor, horrifying. Please inform the citizens of Bethville that the foul scent will no longer be wafting from Benville, and that Benville will NOT be holding the Annual Corpulent Women’s Anti-Shaving Demonstration next year. We are taking a firm stand against public display of unshaven corpulent women.

Regards,

The Paranoid, Ill-Tempered Mayor of Benville

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