Thursday, May 31, 2007

Ingrid Newkirk Is Going to Hate Me Henceforth


Xiang Xiang, the only panda bred in captivity and released into the wild, was found dead on February 19, the apparent victim of an attack by other wild male pandas--another senseless killing of the wimpiest mammal on the planet. Personally, I think an angry woodchuck could take a panda that's been bred in captivity. I'm pretty sure I could have walked up behind Xiang Xiang and yelled "BOO!" and he would have had an embolysm. So, he was certainly no match for wild pandas, even if they were good-natured and were simply asking him to pass the steamed bamboo...when things took a turn.

First of all, look at any random picture of a panda. More than likely, it's sitting on its rotund butt stuffing its face with bamboo. Am I right? Or it's looking at the camera with its head cocked ever so slightly to the side, in manner of Shirley Temple on the Good Ship Lollipop. Now take a look at a picture of a grizzly bear. Scary, right? Up on its hind legs making its alpha-male grizzly roar. Or haunch-deep in a river fishing for salmon. There is probably blood from a fresh kill on his muzzle. Now, look at what pandas eat. Bamboo? Seriously... That's the bear equivalent of tofu. A hungry grizzly will eat a human or another bear to stay alive.

All I'm saying is that the Giant Panda needs to change its image in order to not go extinct. A panda needs to maul somebody right away or eat someone's poodle before it's too late.

7 comments:

matt said...

Maybe pandas should just move out of the forest, and live in cities. Perhaps the mean streets will toughen them up!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

No offense to the "mean streets" of Manhattan, but it's less likely that they will toughen up and more likely that they will all get pedicures together.

matt said...

Not the male pandas. They'd probably go hang out in Central Park.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Shows how much you know about male panda foot pampering.

matt said...

You seem like some kind of expert on Pandas. However, I think you should stick to being an expert about such things as prarie dog hunting, and guns, 22s, and rifles.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

There are no words to describe just how funny what you just said is.

matt said...

"Undercut" HAHAHAHAHA! That's great =).