Friday, May 18, 2007

I [Heart] Sasquatch


Dearest Sasquatch,

My beloved! Shaggy-haired, mysterious creature of the woods. The one who snuck into my camp last night and ate my entire bag of marshmallows. When I saw you, I knew we were meant to be. There you stood, panting and matted. There I crouched, attempting to pee in a way that wouldn't get my shoes wet. Our eyes met. I screamed in terror. You moaned in a horrified manner and fled into the night. But I haven't forgotten you.

I know you may be reluctant to associate with me. I admit that I've been seen on the arm of Bigfoot. And the Abominable Snowman has been trying to woo me for quite some time. But they mean nothing to me. I am loyal to you and only you, darling Sasquatch!

I long to comb the tangles out of your body hair. I long to clothe you in oversized cotton trousers and comfortable button-ups. I long to buy you shoes and socks and deodorant. I long to teach you the ways of the Christian church, so that you will stop sacrificing rabbits to your pagan gods. I would love to teach you how to read so that you can memorize the sonnets of Shakespeare and recite them to me in your charming woodsian voice. I will teach you to buy me only the flowers I'm not allergic to and only fine quality chocolates. You will learn to compliment me only in the most flattering ways, even when my hair is frightful and my bag doesn't match my shoes. Darling Sasquatch, I will make you love me.

Sasquatch. My hairy, sweet Sasquatch. I will show you more love than all of those who have ever photographed you under mysterious circumstances or made castings of your footprints.

Your darling, beautiful, charming and exalted Mayor of Bethville

4 comments:

matt said...
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The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

I'm hoping to get him to freelance for me later.

matt said...
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The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

Sir, you flatter me.