Thursday, April 19, 2007

To the Honorable Mayor of Benville

Most Life-Endangered Mayor of Benville,

I'm very pleased that you enjoyed the cupcakes. I enclose another dozen with my compliments and an absence of gardening tools. And I'm terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your body doubles. I will keep my eyes out for any potential doubles and will personall frisk them for weapons before sending them your way. In the meantime, I am also enclosing several of my best personal bodyguards to protect you. You'll just need to inflate them and draw some menacing eyebrows on them with the enclosed black magic marker.

Well, assassination attempts aside, I hope you will be attending the first annual Bethville Battle of Gettysburg Reenactment and Ninja Throwing Star Trade Show next Friday! I have personally hired several of the best marksmen in Bethville for the reenactment to make it extra exciting. And the group of ninjas I found to take part in the event seemed very, very excited to meet you. And let's not forget the displays of garrote wire and feather pillows through the ages. Fascinating! I sincerely hope you will be in attendance.

That said, I am off to rehearsals for my latest stage debut. I'm starring as Julia Child in the Bethville Playhouse stage production of "Battle of the Undead Chefs!"


The Most Stage Presence Having, Charmingest Mayor of Bethville

My Dearest Mayor of Bethville,

I would be delighted to attend your first annual Bethville Battle of Gettysburg Reenactment and Ninja Throwing Star Trade Show next Friday. It doesn't sound the least bit dangerous, so I think I will be just fine attending myself without body-double protection.

Thanks again for enclosing another batch of Bethville Crematorium gift shop cupcakes. The first seven were quite delightful as expected, complete with hickory sprinkles and an absence of gardening tools as you promised. However, when I reached the eighth, I discovered a partially burned finger instead of hickory sprinkles. This, as you can imagine, was most disturbing. I had to pick off several millimeters of the pastry's surface to eliminate the "ick factor" before downing it in one swallow. Now, I enjoy a good challenge as much as the next authoritarian mayor, but this simply required far too much effort for pastry consumption. I must request that the next batch, if you would be so kind, would be sent without the decorative seared appendages.

Oh, and may I keep the finger? It fits perfectly in my Do It Yourself Prostate Exam kit. I lost the last one in a most embarrassing kit malfunction, and I need to wait another four or five hours before I can get it back.

Thank you ever so.


The Awkward-Walking, Pastry Connoisseur, The Mayor of Benville

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