Saturday, April 21, 2007

To the Honorable Mayor of Benville

Dear Mr. Damon,

Well, hello there. I can see that the mayor is working his way through the cast of Ocean's Eleven in his search for body doubles. I do hope he's paying you what you're worth. If not, I am looking for someone to work freelance churning my personal butter at the Bethville Dairy. If you're interested in churning butter...otherwise I might be able to find another position for you and your muscles.

Anyway, I am completely aware of the mayor's temper and ability to give the silent treatment. There have been several instances where his temper got the best of him and he was very nearly impeached for his actions. For instance:

1. The time I planned the 2005 Bethville Henrik Ibsen in the Park Festival for the same weekend as the Benville Monster Truck Rally and Cookie Toss. He was quite put out when the more sophisticated Benville residents flocked to Bethville to see me perform the role of Nora in "A Doll's House." He snuck backstage wearing a dark, curly wig and tried to force his way onstage to assume my role, before the Bethville bouncers escorted him from the park.

2. And then there was the time he poured laxative powder in all the punch bowls at the Blueberry Cotillion and Spider Monkey Preservation Telethon because the blueberry custard gave him diarrhea.

3. And let's not forget the time he kidnapped the grand prize winning partridge at the Bethville Fowl Appreciation Festival because no one attended his Annual Pancake Supper and Worming. Really quite petty to my notion.

That said, Matt, think about my offer. You can churn my butter whenever you're ready. Give my best to the mayor.


The Sophisticated and Quite Attractive President of the Newly-Founded Matt Damon's Muscles Appreciation Society and Mayor of Bethville

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