Saturday, April 21, 2007

To the Honorable Mayor of Benville

Dear Mayor of Benville,

Please keep the finger and consider it a gift from the former mayor of Bethville. I'm sure he would want you to have it. He was a staunch supporter of prostate upkeep.

That said, Mr. Mayor, please do not be alarmed by the red stains you will find all over this note. I am writing to you from the site of the 2007 Bethville Ketchup and Barbecue Sauce Festival, Cherry Picking, and Blood Drive. As you know, every year tens of patients die in Bethville from not receiving necessary blood transfusions after assassination attempts, mishaps with kitchen appliances, and unfortunate meetings with bears in Bethville Forest. I've personally donated 8 pints today. I'm barely able to hold my mayoral quill to pen this note, but the knowledge that I'm doing something so very selfless has kept me going. If one bear attack victim can live to see the next Bethville Watermelon Picnic and Rabies Prevention 6-Mile Run-Walk, then I will know my efforts as Bethville mayor have not been in vain.

And now to some important mayoral business. It has recently come to my attention, via anonymous note, that the Benville water tower is actually filled with frozen strawberry daiquiris. Need I remind you, Mr. Mayor, of statute #59873 in the mayoral code, that water towers be filled with water and only water. Not iced tea. Not milk. And, no, not even tropical punch. Like any mayor, I understand the need to tie one on after a long day meeting with the town council and driving myself around Bethville Lake in my luxury mayoral golf cart. But your citizens need to shower, Mr. Mayor! Telling them to just run through the sprinklers on the town hall lawn, which feed directly from the Benville aquifer, is really inexcusable. The odor of the Benville residents is wafting, Mr. Mayor! Please take care of this as soon as possible.


The Very Anemic but Powder Fresh Honorable Mayor of Bethville

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