Friday, April 13, 2007

To the Honorable Mayor of Benville

Dear Mr. Mayor,

Happy holidays! Thank you very much for the large basket of fruit that you sent to my office last week. I ate all of it the moment it arrived, including the basket, and was violently ill all that evening. But your thoughtfulness was much appreciated. I thought of you fondly as I vomited bits of wicker.

I hope you enjoyed my gift as well. I spent hours and hours peeling all of those potatoes, boiling, and mashing them. Then, I just sculpted them in your image and dipped the whole thing in brown gravy to give it a nice sheen. I thought it safest to transport it to you on the backs of the Bethville burros, rather than my usual technique of asking you to come by and pick it up. It is quite heavy.

Anyway, to business, Mr. Mayor. It has recently come to my attention that you will be out of your office on business during the week of January 8th through the 12th. How very interesting. Could it be that you are planning to attend the 4th Annual Knicknack Extravaganza and Potato Chip Nibbling in Bayleyville? It is rather odd that you were asked once again to give the keynote address, especially considering the very nice note and large box of truffles that I sent to the Mayor of Bayleyville just last week. I suppose she is saving my keynote-giving talents for one of the more special occasions, such as the 15th Annual Scratch and Sniff Sticker Trade Show and Muffin Festival.

This reminds me, while you are away from your office, would you object if I stored some boxes there? It is just some mayoral paperwork that is of slight interest to the CIA and/or IRS. I will have it moved out of your office promptly on Saturday morning before your return. Unfortunately, the Bethville paperwork storage shed has been recently infested with important-paperwork-eating moths.

Anyway, Mr. Mayor. My best to you during the holiday season.


The Esteemed, Stamp-Collecting, Very Talented Mayor of Bethville

Hello my dear Mayoress!

Thank you soo much for writing the office of the Mayor of Benville. I’m sorry, but he’s not in at the moment. He stepped out quick for a diet non-fat no cream lightly fluffed slightly sweetened non-dairy ginger bread latte with a lemon twist, and some ammo. He should be back in a few hours if you want to try again later.

On a personal note, thank you VERY MUCH for the mashed potato statue of our beloved Mayor of Benville!! It compliments the ladies restroom tile very well!

Again thank you soo much for writing, and sorry for the inconvenience you’ve experienced.


Patty-Mae Mimsidelorienperriwinkle

Administrative Assistant to the Glorious Mayor of Benville

Dear Patty-Mae Mimsidelorienperriwinkle,

How lovely to hear from you. Unfortunately the mayor of Bethville is also currently out of the office and cannot respond personally to your letter. I am writing on her behalf, her very loyal and dashingly-handsome personal assistant, Marvin Muddlefingers. I am enclosing a dashingly-handsome photograph of myself for you to hang over your desk and swoon over.

As you will notice from my dashingly handsome photograph, I have a very distinguished chin dimple, firm pectoral muscles and buttocks, and a very handsome head of flowing blond hair. If I were a woman, perhaps a lowly administrative assistant, I would find myself quite attractive and want to reproduce with myself with much haste.

But enough about me. Down to mayoral business.

The Mayor of Bethville said to tell you to tell the Mayor of Benville that she greatly appreciates the potted plant that he sent two weeks ago as a consolation prize for the Honorable, Quite Lovely, and Very Humble Mayor of Bethville’s losing the title of 2006 Mayor of the Year. She also said for me to tell you to tell the Mayor of Benville that she hopes he will use his prize money for something useful, such as a set of encyclopedias because he is such a nitwit. Then, she said for me to tell you to tell the mayor of Benville, “No, no. Don’t write that, you moron!” After throwing a large desk manual at my head, she stormed from the office, leaving me to finish up this letter that you are now reading.

I can only imagine that my becoming pectoral muscles and firm buttocks drove her away temporarily to relieve the sexual tension that is quickly becoming a problem in our place of business.


Marvin Muddlefingers

Personal Assistant to the Absent, Frightfully Short-Fused, Still Very Lovely, and Rather Overheated Mayor of Bethville


Mr. Muddlefingers,

My name is Beatrice Doomsday, and I am the HR representative here at the office of the Mayor of Benville. I am writing to inform you that a Miss Mimsidelorienperriwinkle has filed a grievance against you for the previous said email, informing her that she is a “lowly administrative assistant”, and soliciting her to “…reproduce with [you] with much haste”. This sort of conduct is unacceptable from a mayorial assistant. If this behavior does not cease immediately, I will be forced to deploy certain CIA and/or IRS field agents to your place of business to seize and detain you until the grievance informational hearing can be held. I hear they are already looking for that location, so they are most anxious to hear from me.

Please respond with your intent to comply.


Beatrice Doomsday
HR representative for the office of the Mayor of Benville
@#$% with me and you’ll find the tables turned

Dearest Ms. Doomsday,

Thank you for your letter. Regretfully, it has come at a very bad time as Marvin Muddlefingers, dashingly-handsome personal assistant to the mayor of Bethville, is dead. He was the victim of an unfortunate accident involving a ceiling fan.

The mayor, as would be expected, keeps a trampoline in her very plush mayoral office, and uses it for exercise and stress relief. Right after Miss Mimsidelorienperriwinkle last heard from Mr. Muddlefingers, he dashed into the mayor’s office in her absence and bounced on her trampoline, knowing full well that he is prohibited from doing so. Unfortunately, the ceiling fan over the trampoline was on its highest setting, as the mayor seemed to be suffering from hot flashes that afternoon. Mr. Muddlefingers jumped a little bit too high and with too much exuberance and his very handsome head was severed from his very becoming, firm, and attractive body. The mayor returned to find her office in disarray. It was quite a mess indeed.

I am the mayor’s new assistant. Actually, right before accepting my current position, I was a paramedic. But seeing that there was nothing we could do for poor Marvin Muddlefingers, I decided to replace him instead. I am not quite as attractive as Mr. Muddlefingers and have been trained thoroughly in proper office conduct. Therefore, I would never tell you or Miss Mimsidelorienperriwinkle that you are very foxy women with large hooters. I know that that would offend you.

Thank you again for your letter. I will pass your deepest sympathy along to the Grieving, and Yet Perfectly Flawless Mayor of Bethville.


Larry Hottentottenrotterdam
Former Paramedic and Current Personal Assistant to the Very Sexy and Perfectly Coiffed Mayor of Bethville

Mr. Hottentottenrotterdam,

As an HR representative for the office of the Mayor of Benville, I am very knowledgeable in the area of escaped convicts. Therefore you must realize that I am aware of your true identity.

I personally helped the CIA and/or IRS track one “Lunatic Larry” across the eastern seaboard, and cornered him in an ambulance barn before he evaded our pursuit. Not only do you still carry the same first name, but you have remained in the same occupation for the last six months, traveling across the country in an ambulance, drifting from local government office to local government office impersonating a paramedic, getting to the scene of the crime where an innocent mayorial assistant has just been killed…or should I say MURDERED! How convenient Mr. Hottentottenrotterdam, that you arrive just in the knick of time to assume their previous position after they have conveniently become deceased.

Marvin Muddlefingers didn’t just “jump into a ceiling fan and get decapitated” did he…..LUNATIC LARRY! Tell me Larry, do you still have the same hair-do, or have you changed your appearance to avoid detection by your wanted poster!

Don’t try to run Larry, I have already dispatched the CIA and/or IRS agents to your location. They should be arriving momentarily.

Oh, and please let the Mayor of Bethville know that the grievance against one Marvin Muddlefingers has been withdrawn due to unexpected decapitation. Thanks.

Suspiciously yours,

Beatrice Doomsday
HR representative for the office of the Mayor of Benville
currently in route to the ladies to tighten her bun

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