Thursday, April 12, 2007
To the Honorable Mayor of Benville
Note: For almost a year, my brother Ben and I have been corresponding as the mayors of Bethville and Benville. No, it makes no sense, but just go with it. We're lame, but we think it's hilarious.
Please excuse my abrupt greeting upon seeing you this morning. I meant no offense. I was on my way to the Bethville Crematorium and Patisserie to pay my respects to the previous and unfortunately late Mayor of Bethville. I was also late, but not in the same way that he was late. The former mayor was right on time, but unfortunately he was also dead.
Apparently, over the past weekend, he was jogging in Bethville Park when he tripped over a watering hose, left there by a careless gardener, no doubt, and impaled himself on a rake. The rake had also most likely been left there by the same careless gardener, who may have been, now that I think about it, less of a careless gardener and more of a crafty assassin. Anyway, I was enroute to his memorial service when I passed the Benville mayoral limosine and only waved. On any other day, I would have immediately pulled my mayoral roadster over to the side of the road and commenced to chit chatting with you. However, that was not to be on this sunny and rather sad Monday morning. Please accept this box of delicious cupcakes that I purchased from the Crematorium gift shop and my apology.
That said, I am writing you most urgently to see if you would be able to help me with just the teensiest little favor. I am in the process of crocheting a blanket for one of the Bethville carriage horses, and I need someone to try it on, gallop around the mayoral office, neighing in adulation of my gift, and eat some oats while wearing it so I can make sure that all the yarn colors I picked out match. You're the only person I know who has the same eye color as this particular horse. And you did go as the back legs and tail of Mr. Ed at last year's annual Benville Dress Up as Your Favorite Television Star Parade, Picnic, and Group Immunization, so you are qualified, having played the part previously. Do let me know if you can trot over this afternoon and help out.
The Honorable, Most Fragrant-Armpitted, Cheerfullest, Patron of the Arts Mayor of Bethville
My Dearest Mayor of Bethville,
How very gracious of you to send your apology and delicious cupcakes when they were most certainly not needed. As of late, I have employed several body-doubles to ride around in the Benville mayoral limousine, carriages, mopeds and flying hotdog stands to create diversions in the event that I should leave my mayoral chambers. It was body-double #6 who informed me of your drive-by waving this morning. I have employed none other than George Clooney to ride in the mayoral limousine since he displays such an incredible likeness in appearance. Recently there have been many attempts on my life by crafty assassins posing as careless gardeners, and a few too many close calls have forced me to seclude myself from public view. When I do venture out for ceremonies, contests, body-double autopsies and the like, there are no less than sixteen body-doubles in various positions throughout the city. You happened upon Mr. Clooney just before he met his most unfortunate demise.
A crafty assassin posing as a careless gardener, or Chuck as I have come to call them for short, was at it again just this morning, attempting to cut my mayoral term a few decades short. Just after body-double #6 informed me of your kind gesture, he choked on a gardening trowel carelessly baked into the middle of a Benville Bakery pastry. He was making my afternoon snack run, and as required by the body-double #6 job description, was testing a random sample. It seems some type of gardening utensil was baked into every pastry in the Benville Bakery this morning, so your delicious cupcakes came at a most convenient time. Not to worry, I'm having the remaining 15 body-doubles sample my pastries before I commence consumption. We can identify most of the suspicious desserts rather easily, like the bearclaw we found discreetly filled with a rototiller, but the others I'm afraid will just have to be swallowed whole by my remaining body-double staff. It seems I'm going to be in short supply soon, so please, if you know any more 6-foot tall, Herculean figured gentleman with chiseled jaws and careless attitudes towards life, have them send me their resumes and glamour shots.
I'm afraid body-double #6 (Mr. Clooney) was also employed the day I made my appearance as Mr. Ed's hindquarters in last year's annual Benville Dress Up as Your Favorite Television Star Parade, Picnic, and Group Immunization, and it was he that made such a fabulous display to the public. (Of course, at that time he was only body-double #13 and had since then been promoted). I did choose the costume for him however, since he was such a horse's ass-
ociate enthusiast to begin with. He always was an avid fan of the horse-farming community and was therefore perfect for the assignment. I'll sift through my remaining body-doubles and see if I can find a suitable replacement to model your blanket.
Please do send more of the delicious cupcakes you acquired at the Bethville Crematorium gift shop, they were most delightful. I especially liked the gray sprinkles on the top. Such an unusual hickory flavor, but it complimented the frosting excellently!
The Mayor of Benville, not to be confused with the recently deceased George Clooney