Thursday, May 10, 2007

Mourning the Season of Baking


Alas, baking season is coming to a close. Soon, the heat in my non air-conditioned kitchen will be so intense that I'll only be able to venture in there once a day to get more ice cubes for my sweltering brow. And as very disheartening as this is, it is always good to remember that October is not so very far away. Soon, there will be chocolate chip pumpkin bars again. There will be gingersnaps. There will be oatmeal raisin cookies. And yes, there will be Christmas tree sugar cookies with green coconut.

But first, a long, hot, and quite sweaty summer lies in front of us. And how does one survive the summer? Perhaps you could try a few of these techniques:

1. Carry a popsicle in each armpit.
2. Hold a wet t-shirt contest in your living room.
3. Utilize the Gonzales method: profess a complete lack of awareness of the high temperature, cast doubt on the results of supposedly objective measuring equipment, and explain that, until the facts are in, it's too soon to tell whether it's even summer at all (suggested by the Mayor of Tansalton)
4. Place ice cubes on your pulse points and between your legs/thighs/breasts and allow to melt while watching cliché porn as loud as possible so as to annoy the neighbors. The annoyance will force the neighbors to turn up AC in an attempt drown the moaning and groaning out, and hopefully the cool air will flow between vents. Or neighbors will be so annoyed they will vacate their AC-ed apartment. Using MacGyver skills, you can then break in and enjoy the cool. (suggested by the Mayor of Jodyville)
5. Take a dip in the East River.
6. Stand underneath the giant fans in the Union Square subway station.
7. Seduce your local ice cream truck driver.
(all submitted by the mayor of Erikaville)
8. Get a sprinkler.
9. Take repeated cold showers.
10. Jump in the Central Park fountains.
11. Ride your bike really fast down Broadway without stopping for lights and enjoy the breeze.
12. Stick your head out of the subway window while riding above ground in Queens or Brooklyn.
(again from Jodyville...)

And of course, you can always initiate the Bethville tradition of laying around drinking entire pitchers of margaritas when the heat becomes too unbearable, swearing at your cat for being too furry and far too close to you.

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