Monday, November 3, 2008

Playing Old (Brides)Maid

I love marriages, but I hate weddings.

Don't let the confusion melt your brain. I will explain.

Weddings are supposed to be fun. And they are fun for a lot of people: the bride, the groom, the bride's drunk dad, and the DJ who, after all this time, is still really excited about watching ugly people do "The Chicken Dance." But fun it is not when you are a person who is me.

I'm 29. I'm not married, and during weddings, I'm surrounded by hundreds of socially-retarded and nosy people. Sort it out for yourself.

Every time I discover that I will soon be attending a wedding, I must once again dig out the old "Fuck you, I'm not a spinster" retorts. Because, fuck you, I'm not a spinster. And I've been answering these questions since I was about 12.

Yes, 12.

"So, do you have a boyfriend?" several nosy and socially-retarded people asked my 12-year-old self at weddings and other family events.

"Boys are stupid!" I would reply before running away to decorate my diary with strawberry-scented ink and unicorn stickers.

At 15, I was asked when I was planning to ever get engaged. At 20, people began asking me where my husband was. At 25, they asked after my children. And so, at 30, I'm sure people will be asking when I plan to have my tubes tied and my uterus rotated. (People are soooo impatient for me to get the party started in Baby Town.)

If part of becoming an adult is putting in your time at other people's weddings, I do believe I have met my quota. I've been a bridesmaid three times at this point, and I will not be performing those duties again.

The first time, I subjected myself to the embarrassing tradition of bouquet catching because I was young and stupid then, 20. And I caught it, but the bride later confiscated it citing that it was, indeed, "her bouquet" and not mine. The groomsman I spent the evening dancing with went home with the bride's whore cousin who was wearing a Slinky for a dress. Everyone loves a Slinky. And I have the pictures to prove it.

The second time, I was carrying around 75 extra pounds of post-college booze fat. I didn't want any unnecessary photos of me taken below neck level. Oh, I have pictures. But you can't see them.

The third time I was a bridesmaid, I had a boyfriend who I thought I would be with forever. It was the first time I was actually able to show up to a wedding with a date. A month later, he cheated on me. I don't know if the bouquet was even tossed at that wedding because my head was completely up my ass. And, yes, again I have the pictures to prove it.

Unfortunately, weddings are full of cameras, and whether I am wearing the ugliest bridesmaid dress of all time (hello, velvet?) or wearing my head firmly between my buttocks, someone always ends up with evidence. Hence, I hate weddings.

Marriages, on the other hand, I thoroughly enjoy. I like the love part of things. And I do believe in love, even though I am bitter and cynical and am currently throwing up in my mouth at the idea of admitting this. I think that there is something very nice about deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone.

And I like to think that there is someone like that for everybody, whether the person is gay or straight or in love with something inflatable. I also believe that people can be their own special someone if they so choose. And also that you don't have to actually be married to pledge your life to another person.

So, in response to your question, Uncle _______. Yes, maybe one day I will marry. But it will be on my terms and when I am completely sure that it is what I want. If it isn't, perhaps I will save my money and invest in a large hammer which I will use to whack you in the balls.


Anonymous said...

A hammer is good, but I advise a cozy loft or trim little cottage somewhere, instead!

Andrea said...

Yes, the next 5 years will be tough. But then, once you turn 35, hallelujah-- they stop asking. I guess they've given me up for lost. But it is actually quite liberating.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@fitforafemme: I hope that the hammer would only set me back about $20 or so. And I would have $$$ left over for that cabin.

@andrea: Meh, my entire extended family probably thinks I'm gay at this point. Whatevs.

angiesyounglover said...

i feel your pain.
my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even my own parents STILL FUCKING ASK ME about my ex-boyfriend at family gatherings. "how's ____ doing?" "have you heard from ____ lately? No? Why not?"
because he was a major asshole who i want to forget about, and i didn't know that i need a boyfriend to have a validated existence in your eyes.
once i am out to my family, that's all they're going to hear, "No, haven't heard from him, but i just had amazing sex with my girlfriend last night. pass the motherfucking stuffing.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: Oh, I didn't know you weren't out to your family.

There is a really hilarious episode of Spongebob where Patrick's parents are coming to town and they always treat him like he's stupid. So Patrick gets Spongebob to come over and act even stupider, so that his parents think he's brilliant compared to Spongebob. Long story short, when coming out, may I recommend inviting along someone who is really, really, really gay and then you can be like, "I'm gay, but look at this guy!" Just a suggestion.

I'm very lucky that most of my relationships were so short, my family members never had time to meet or learn the dude's name. And the guys end up being so horrible, even my grandmother would never ask about how the son of a bitch is doing. You know. Such as.

angiesyounglover said...

mm, good thinking! i'll have to sort through my gays and see who's up to par. either that or i'll pull the "i'm pregnant" bait and switch on them. make their hearts drop, and then catch 'em before they hit the surface. although, to them, i'm sure they would rather have me pregnant. or in jail for an armed robbery. yes, that's what i'm up against.

and yes, unfortunately, my boyfriend was the poster boy for "perfect" with my family and so they will never forget him, despite all the bad things i have to say about him. that's healthy, right? siding with your daughter's ex-boyfriend over your daughter? someone hold me.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@ayl: Or you could do like Clarie's nephew does in Steel Magnolias and be like, "I have some bad news, folks. I have a brain tumor and I have six months to live. Just kidding! I'm just gay."

Here is a hug for you:


margo channing said...

1) I love Bette Davis, obviously. I love Betty Davis too but that's for another post.
2) I think this time you should go dressed as somebody's whore cousin & make out with some one many years your junior in a closet. Or a bathroom. Let all the marrieds be jealous & cover it up by shaking their heads.

angiesyounglover said...

aw, thanks. kudos to the steel magnolias reference. b would be so happy!

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@margo: She wore a Slinky. I can wear a Tinker Toy. I like where this is going.

@ayl: Steel Magnolias references are my favorite thing ever. "He didn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt."

Jen said...

I was pleasantly surprised how few of my MO second-cousins multiple times removed (seriously, I have no idea how I'm related to these people, but supposedly I am) asked me if I had a boyfriend. They focused on how tall my brothers and I are, and how amazing it is that we've moved so far away (NYC, Boston, Denver). I'm dreading questions at my brother's reception, though.

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@jen: I always get, " are things in the big city?" How am I supposed to respond to that?

Jen said...

@Mayor: "They're good! Nice and liberal and multicultural! Fairly godless, too! I love it!"

lalaland13 said...

Oh mayor, down here I have actual city government people who shake my hand and then say, "Why aren't you married?" It is their idea of a joke, but there are some people like that, people who try to be funny but really are just a little rude and/or offensive.

My family is good about not asking. My mom is proud I haven't settled at a young age (the "down" is purposefully omitted). I imagine some extended family might ask at the Christmas party this year, in which case I can brightly reply, "So, how about that President-elect Obama?"

The Honorable Mayor of Bethville said...

@lalaland13: My dad used to hire this extremely obnoxious old man to help with our milo/corn harvest. And he was always asking me if I had a boyfriend in an extremely gross and patronizing way. I hate that guy. Even to this day.

Anonymous said...

My sister informed me the other night that my dad, completely out of nowhere, started telling her how I need to hurry up and get married. His words were, "Well, she's 30, and if she wants to have children, she needs to hurry up and do it."

He used to constantly bug me about how I needed to "meet a nice fella and settle down." Now that I've met a nice fella, I need to get married and pop out babies, STAT!

Also, I was in my friend's wedding this past summer, and about half a dozen people came up to me and/or my boyfriend, asking when we're going to get married. So goddamn embarrassing and obnoxious.