Suicide Prevention Friday: The Happiest Story in the World (With Uni-Kittens)

Well, February has arrived. Or as I like to call it "National Kill Yourself Month."

February is when you become officially sick of winter but still have March to get through. And then there's the Puke Festival that is Valentine's Day and all the flower-and-chocolate spewing absurdity that goes along with that.

In short, I hate February and wish it would die in a forest fire.

Therefore, to ease the suffering of those of us who are forced to endure February by not dying in January and to prevent any further suicides, I now present you with the happiest, most cheerful story of all time. And I will continue to do this every Friday until this dreadful month ends.


Three Wishes at the Glitter Pond

Once upon a time, there were three happy uni-kittens. (Kittens with horns like unicorns.) Every morning the three uni-kittens met down at the Glitter Pond to drink from the magic waters and bask in the sunbeams that dappled the shores.

The first uni-kitten's name was Snugglebottom. He loved to snuggle! And chase faeries!

The second uni-kitten's name was Fancymittens. She had long, curly whiskers and loved Celine Dion!

The third uni-kitten's name was Uglyface. He liked to lick his own butt and bury dead things so that they would be good and stinky when he went back later to eat them.

One day, the three uni-kittens arrived at the Glitter Pond to find a wizard caught in a trap that Uglyface had put out to catch uni-wolves. "Help me!" the wizard said. "I am a wizard who is all powerful and wise, but I am somehow caught in this trap!"

"Oh, no!" cried the uni-kittens.

"Can you free him?" Snugglebottom asked Uglyface.

"Does a uni-bear crap in the Sparkledarkle Forest?" replied Uglyface. And within seconds, the powerful wizard was free, but he was now missing a leg as Uglyface had to chew him out of the trap in a very gruesome manner.

"Ow!" said the wizard. "You definitely severed my femoral artery and I am bleeding ever so much, but I am so happy to be free, I will now grant you three wishes!"

"Hooray!" said the uni-kittens.

Snugglebottom, who was very good and noble said, "I wish that all the uni-creatures could live in peace and harmony across the land!" His wish was granted, and he ran off to begin soliciting funds for his presidential campaign.

Fancymittens wished for summer year-round, and although that is a very stupid wish because it throws off the balance of the ecosystem, the wizard granted it anyway. And Fancymittens ran off to get herself in shape for bikini weather.

Uglyface said, "I wish you would stop bleeding on me." And the wizard granted this wish, and although his leg didn't grow back, the wound was instantly cauterized and he finally stopped bleeding.

But the wizard was so touched by Uglyface's selfless wish that he said, "Sir Uglyface, your wish was not something for yourself, but for me. You are truly the most noble of the uni-kittens. Therefore, I grant you this ball of magic string so that you can bat it around and chase it. It's ever so amusing." And then he vanished in a flash of light to go to the emergency room and get a transfusion.

Uglyface looked at his stupid gift and thought, what is this shit? He batted it around for a minute until it rolled behind a tree and he forgot what he was playing with and got distracted by a uni-caterpillar. He ate it, it tasted horrible. And then Uglyface threw up.

How to Date: Getting Past the First Few Dates, Some Pointers

I know that there are a lot of "dating advice" books out there that tell guys that if they insult a woman in just the right way, she will drop trou then and there and beg him to impregnate her. And I also know that there are books out there that imply that women should be coy and never call a guy and if he doesn't give her a diamond ring by the third date, she should have her mini purse Schnauzer bite his nuts off.

How do I know this? I read dating books. Seriously. I think they are hilarious. My level of amusement is like putting the word "naked" into all of the ADJECTIVE blanks on a Mad Lib to a third grader. (Also PLURAL NOUN: boobs.)

But I think it's all a lot simpler than what those dating books imply. So, here are my pointers, based loosely on my last date, on how to get past the first few dates without making the other person hate you or call the cops.


1. Don't scream in your date's ear.
Obviously there are exceptions.
A) If you are at a loud concert and you say something totally hilarious and your date says, "What did you say?" repeating the words, "Let's do the robot!" in a louder voice might be helpful.
B) If your date is 90 and refuses to get a hearing aid, repeating the words, "I want to tear your panties off so much right now, Gloria," at screaming levels is probably acceptable.
C) If your date is driving a bus and must keep it over 50 mph or the bus will explode, screaming, "AAAAAAAAAA! We're all going to die" is probably okay.
But if you're just making an allegedly hilarious observation that involves screaming, "AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA!" into your date's ear, it might be best to err on the side of just not doing that. Based on my own experiences as said date, I can safely say that screaming should be limited to the sound I make while running away from you.


2. Don't make jokes about how the anti-psychotics you're taking make you impotent. (Followed by, "Hahahaha...just kidding. Don't worry, I'm not impotent.")
Comedy gold, right? No!
A) Impotence is no laughing matter. If the image of a totally flaccid penis dangling helplessly in the breeze is amusing to you, you really need to step back and reconsider what you find funny. It's only funny if said penis is attached to someone you hate or if you draw a mustache on it.
B) Anti-psychotics? Again, not funny. I can't even find a way to twist this into something amusing, so I will leave you to ponder the un-funniness of it for yourselves.
C) "Don't worry. I'm not impotent," implies that you think that your date will at some point want to have sex with you. Trust me when I say that "not impotent" is only one of the many expectations I have for a potential sex partner. Along with "Has a penis," "Believes in using condoms," and "Not a total crackhead."


3. Don't ask your date a question and then provide the answer for her.
For example:
Dude: Have you seen Avatar? Probably not. It's really amazing. You should see it. Now let me tell you all about how I once met James Cameron and he was a total jerk. Then, I'll give you a full analysis of why I think that Martin Scorsese is the best filmmaker of all time. Do you enjoy Martin Scorsese? Probably not. I won't even pause to let you answer for yourself because I'm totally sure that I'm right and anything you say will not be as interesting as what I have to say next. Which brings us to...


4. Stop talking once in a while.


5. Yes, like that.


We've come to my final pointer.....and this is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.


6. Do not invite yourself over to her apartment. Do not joke about inviting yourself over to her apartment. If she says, "Well, I'm going to go home now," the date is over, and you're not invited.

Following that, I think it goes without saying that going through her garbage, watching her with binoculars, and breaking into her apartment to put your wiener in her leftover potato salad are also potential dealbreakers. But I feel like they are more obvious and don't require any explanation. (No, he didn't do any of those things, but I want to cover all of our bases here.)

Now, I'm not a dating expert, but I feel like this is all pretty good advice. Any additional pointers? Post them in comments.

Conversations with the Other People in My Wii Fit Step Class

Me: Hi, I'm Bethany. I'm new to step class. What's your name?

Blue shirt: Step step step step!

Red shirt: Step! Step! Step!

Green shirt: Yay! You're stepping really well!

Pink shirt: Look how happy I am to be in step class!

Me: Oooookay. So, what else do you guys like to do?

Blue shirt: We only step! It's fun. Look at me step up, step down, and then step up again!

Me: But what do you do when you go home? You know, for fun?

Blue shirt: The step is our way. It is our only activity. We love to step.

Green shirt: Keep up with the rhythm. Now we're going to step faster.

Pink shirt: Stepstepstepstep!

Me: Why do you like to step so much?

Blue shirt: It strengthens of our calf muscles and buttocks. It makes the Providers pleased with our activity levels.

Me: Providers?

Blue shirt: Those who give us the step rhythms and monitor how well we step.

Green shirt: Prepare, bretheren! The clapping time is nigh!

Pink shirt: Yay! Clap clap clap! Step Step!

Me: Oops! I missed a step.

Blue shirt: It is allowed, for you are human and fallable. But be wary. If you step wrong too many times, your score will not break of 600 points and the Providers will heckle you with sad music.

Me: Well, that's not very nice.

Red shirt: Hold your tongue, new one! We do not question the authority of the Providers!

Blue shirt: Be kind, Red shirt. For the new one has only been stepping among us for a short time.

Green shirt: Friends! The one leg kicking time has arrived!

Pink shirt: Step! Kick! Step! Step! Kick!

Me: Have you guys ever considered just, you know, not stepping?

Blue shirt: We must step. To not step is to have nothing to live for.

Me: But what would the Providers do to you?

Red shirt: We would receive imperfect star ratings.

Me: So?

Green shirt: And now we step to the side with claps!

Pink shirt: Yay! Side step! Clap! Side step! Clap!

Blue shirt: We speak not of that possibility, new one. Now carry on with your stepping and burning of 27 calories.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (A Post Drinking Game Summary)

The Fallen: I've fallen!
Megatron: I'll help you!
The Fallen: Okay!

Shia LaBeouf: You're my hot girlfriend.
Megan Fox: I totally know, right? I'm just going to bend over and get this.
Shia LaBeouf: Okay, but do it fast because I have to leave for college in a minute. Oh, no. I dropped this thingy that burned through the floor, and there are some robots in our kitchen. With guns!
Kitchen robots: Muhahahahahaha! *Bang bang bang!*

Mom: Don't go, Shia LaBeouf! You're my little cupcake, and I'll miss you.
Dad: Let him go, Shia LaBeouf's mom. He's a man now.
Their House: *EXPLODES!*
Bumblebee: Come with me if you want to live.

Later, at college....

Shia LeBeouf's roommate: There are alien robots who are taking over the world.
Shia LeBeouf: I don't know anything about that. I swear.
Shia LeBeouf's roommate: Okay, I believe you. Let's be best friends forever. Just don't even think about trying to move in on hot girl I like.
Shia LeBeouf: Okay.
Hot Girl: Tear my clothes off, Shia LeBeouf!
Shia LeBeouf: No, I can't. Okay, I might a little.
Megan Fox: We're broken up forever! I never want to see you again until five minutes from now!
Rainn Wilson: I'm totally in this movie.
Drunk narrator: I have such a Dwight Shrute ladyboner right now.

EVERYTHING: *EXPLODES!*

Optimus Prime: Why am I not in this summary yet? I'm super important.
Drunk narrator: I'm getting to you. Jesus.
Optimus Prime: *dies*
Drunk narrator: Oops.

Decepticon: Blah blah blah, the Primes left some super important shit in Egypt. And symbols. And some key thing that might bring Optimus Prime back to life.

Shia LaBeouf: I'll get it.
Bumblebee: I will go with you, Jerry Maguire.
John Turturro: I am such a brilliant actor. What the hell am I doing here?
Megan Fox: I'm just going to bend over and talk to this tiny Decepticon while it humps my leg.
Fifth grade boys: HAHAHAHAHA!

EVERYTHING: *EXPLODES!*

Later in Egypt...

The Fallen: People of Earth, I'm going to blow up your sun!
The people of Egypt: Okay, just let us move our goats first.
Megatron: Too late! *Bang bang bang! Kaboom!*
The people of Egypt: That's fine. We'll go build houses somewhere else. Bye now!
Archaeologists: Be careful. Those pyramids are super old and were built by slave labor.
The pyramids: *Crumble!*

Shia LaBeouf: Optimus Prime magic key stab!
Optimus Prime: I'm alive!
Everyone: Yay!
Optimus Prime: Not so fast, the Fallen!

EVERYTHING: *EXPLODES!*

Optimus Prime: The world is saved...but for how long?
Megatron: Until I come back!
Optimus Prime: Okay, then. Bye!
Shia LaBeouf: I love you, Megan Fox's boobs.
Megan Fox: I love you too!
Bumblebee: You had me at hello....You had be at hello.
Drunk narrator: ......

CREDITS.

In Which I Dabble in Bad-Assery

Well, it's 2010, and since I haven't posted since November, you may have been pondering where I've been. Well, there is a long and a short explanation for my temporary hiatus. And since the long story is very, very long and there isn't enough vodka in the world to make you want to sit through me telling you about it, I will just give you the short explanation.

I bought a Wii, and it has taken over my life. Yes, I've spent the last month defeating The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. And then, for shits and giggles, I went back and beat it again. Don't judge me. There is a mini game where you get to ride around on a giant prehistoric bird and pop balloons.

I've also been dabbling in bad-assery. Won't you let me tell you about it? Won't you?

People who are genuinely badass have telltale markings of being badass. So, first I will outline those and then I will tell you why I qualify as a total badass. Are we ready? Okay, then. Here we go....

1. Badass people have many, many tattoos. I have a single tattoo, but it is of an owl, and as everybody knows, owls are predatory birds. If you are small enough, they can totally kill you.

2. Badass people have scars. I have a scar from the time a flaming hot shell casing from a .22 hit me on the bare leg. So, it could maybe be called a bullet wound if you think about it really hard.

3. Badass people perform daring feats. I throw myself into the ocean (almost) every Sunday as a rite of passage for the Polar Bear Club. When I get out, my leg whiskers feel like razor wire. Razor wire? Totally badass.

4. Badass people have a dad who is MIA. I only see my dad once or twice a year. He delivers propane for a living. And propane? Totally flammable.

5. People who are badass have parts of their lives that they don't talk about and/or can't remember. I don't remember the first two years of my life and I refuse to discuss junior high.

So, there you go. I am badass, and as 2010 begins, I intend to find ways to make myself more badass. I am taking suggestions. And I might post more often as well if Mario and Luigi can spare the best trigger finger of all time.

Beware of Cougars!

Men between the ages of 18 and 30 should beware the allure of the mighty cougar. Cougars tend to target men of that age group. And what they want is not what you think.

They want to eat you. Cougars get very, very hungry in the winter months when food is scarce. The easiest prey during that time is human men who tend to be out and about shopping for brand new snow pants for ski vacations. Cougars will see you leaving Bloomingdale's, and that's when they will pounce.

Cougars tend to look for young men with good hearts, open minds, and solid muscle mass. Also, someone who wears loose-fitting clothing and doesn't fight back or carry a firearm.

Sure, cougars also eat deer, elk, sheep, and domesticated animals such as horses and cattle. But how many of those creatures can a cougar find on 5th Avenue? (Apart from the Central Park Zoo, which is closely monitored for hungry predators?) Therefore, cougars must eat what is available. And that usually means young, attractive men shopping for winter wear. They run very slowly while carrying all those shopping bags. They also tend to be distracted by iPhone applications, rather than watching out for predatory mammals.

Cougars want to tear you apart, and not in a way that might benefit both of your needs. But in a way that will result in you being quite deceased and in the belly of a cougar.

So, this winter, if you're a young man, keep an eye out for cougars. They're everywhere.

Eat Me! A Guide to Healthier Choices for a Less-Fat You

Let's face it. People are fatty fatty fat faces these days. 90% of people in the world are obese right now, according to a study I conducted this morning in the shower. And this is because they are all eating fast food for every single meal and nothing else.

So, if you want to be thin and beautiful, you need to make better food choices and quickly.

Because I am 100% positive that me posting a lot of calorie information is JUST WHAT YOU NEED to make a serious life change, that's exactly what I'm going to do. And then, I will provide you with a healthier option.

Let's get started, shall we? There is no time to waste for you wide loads.

1. Are you ready for the most important meal of the day?

How about a Carl's Jr. Loaded Breakfast Burrito, with freshly scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon bits, hash brown nuggets, shredded jack and cheddar cheeses, and fresh salsa wrapped in a warm flour tortilla? Not so fast, pork product! That burrito contains 780 calories and 49 grams of fat.

Instead, why not have one cup of nonfat yogurt sprinkled with shredded fat-free cheese and imitation bacon bits? Only 160 calories and 1 gram of fat. With the flavor of fake bacon and the cheesy meltiness of fat-free American cheese in a creamy cup of sour-tasting yogurt! Delicious AND healthy!


2. Now, how about some lunch?

Let's have Burger King's Angry Original Chicken Sandwich. It's crispy white meat chicken, onions, jalapenos, cheese, and sauce on a sesame seed bun. But before you tuck that napkin up under that second chin, get this! There are 870 calories and 55 grams of fat in that sandwich. And just think if you had had enough nickels left over in your cup holder to order fries, too.

Instead, why not have...?
Some jalapenos and sauce in a cup of nonfat yogurt! It has the biting spiciness of jalapenos! The sauciness of sauce! And the poop-inducing sour taste that you can only get from a cup of nonfat yogurt. And it's only 147 calories and .1 grams of fat. Enjoy!


3. Ready for dessert?

Why not have a Dairy Queen Large Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzard, which contains creamy vanilla soft serve and chopped pieces of turtle candy with nuts and caramel? But before you dig in to that behemoth Blizzard, notice that it also contains 1,530 calories and 80 grams of fat!

Instead, why not have...?

A cup of nonfat yogurt with four nice crunchy almonds and a few drops of imitation caramel flavoring. Almonds are heart-healthy! Imitation caramel flavoring is the color of a sunset! And the sour taste of nonfat yogurt sits in the back of your throat and burns only slightly if you vomit. Only 140 calories and two grams of fat in this dessert! Tasty and healthy.

Well, I hope we've all learned something today about making healthier eating choices. Next time you are hungry, maybe instead of pulling through the drive-thru of your local fast food establishment and filling your oversized belly with rubbish, you'll reach for a cup of nonfat yogurt instead. Happy eating!